Item three: The Starbucks guy who was attacked by a toilet.

(Yes, The Crimson ran not one, but many bizarre AP stories this week. Don't tell me you missed them. If you did, go back and look at them. No, really.)

Mr. Starbucks was in the bathroom at a branch of the coffee chain and somehow managed to become stuck, if you get my meaning, in between the toilet and seat. (I'm somewhat embarrassed even to be recounting or summarizing this story.) As a result of the incident which led to his injury, he has filed suit against Starbucks. Some accounts say he and his wife may now be unable to have children. He reportedly wants $1 million for himself--and another $500,000 for her. (Why does she get only half what he gets? Go figure.)

Item four: The Adventures of B.J.

Item five: The Naked Man With A Sword. Perhaps the weirdest--and saddest--of all.

According to various news reports, on Sunday, a naked man brandishing a samurai sword dashed into a London church and attacked the parishioners, injuring 11 people, some quite seriously.

I thought this was weird. Then I read on. The naked slasher had sidekicks, two clothed men with sticks. What's more, the Guardian in London said the man was stopped by an off-duty cop-who used a piece of organ pipe to fight him off. The Scotsman says a bank clerk also fought with a pole-mounted crucifix.

The Scotsman also reports that a Glasgow man named Eden Strang is charged with attempted murder for the incident. And the church's canon is named John Lennon.