When the Olympic flame arrived in Japan, it went out three times in one day. You can hear the ominous music in the background.

Then some psycho launches rockets at the Tokyo airport. The music crescendos.

It reaches a deafening climax as they have to delay much of the skiing because of--snow? It seems to me that you want snow for a skiing contest to work properly.

And when someone does win a medal--Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati--he loses it for allegedly having marijuana in his bloodstream, only to get it back because the International Olympic Committee hadn't made its drug policy clear.

Rebagliati claims he tested positive because he got second-hand smoke from his friends and that, despite the incident, he would still hang out with them.

Gee, what a loyal pal.

Then another snowboarder, Austrian Martin Freinademetz, trashes his hotel room and ruins a switchboard by spilling beer on it.

Not just beer. Beer from a three-liter can. Do you realize how big a three-liter can of beer is? You practically need a tap.

This guy, however, got tossed from the Olympics. Let's follow the logic: allegedly smoking marijuana is Okay. Allegedly getting really hosed is not.

Willie Nelson can only be feeling vindication right now.

It's not hopeless, however. I can think of some ways to make the Winter Olympics interesting.

Ski jumping? Have two guys face each other and go at the same time.

The luge and bobsled? Eliminate them.

Figure skating? Okay, well this one can't be salvaged. Remember when Surya Bonaly did a backflip during warmups and almost decapitated a competitor? That was cool.

She got in trouble for it, of course. She wouldn't have if she had just admitted--it was the pot.