Schumed to the Floor

My heart has been yanked from my chest and danced upon--and a Harvard man is responsible. No, he's not a big senior. You probably don't even know him, but by now I'll bet you've heard of him. The man in question? None other than Charles E. Schumer '71.

Dartboard headed over to the IOP to watch the returns with fellow Republican Club members on the big screen TV. Perhaps it comes from being hopeless romantics with a preference for happy endings, but Dartboard was unconsciously expecting Republicans to have a stellar evening. Needless to say, reality didn't cooperate.

It was sad to watch as Republicans fell in races we should have won, such as the California gubernatorial contest or the North Carolina senatorial race, but an emotionally distanced sad. There was a moment, however, that really socked it to the gut: the declaration of Schumer's victory. Dartboard couldn't believe that D'Amato had actually lost.

We felt dizzy and had to grab hold of a nearby chair. Shock. Utter disbelief. Incomprehension. It took a bit for nasty reality to truly sink in. How could the fool who voted against the Gulf War actually win?

Al's concession speech spoke to us more than any other speech ever had. We identified with D'Amato's call to "my New Yorkers" and yearned for a hug. For we felt as if we, too, had lost. Dartboard is still employed, but with a Clinton-defending "feminist" representative, and two liberal senators, Dartboard also felt silenced. The voters of New York had stolen our voice.

Bag of Goodies

Dartboard always knew the administrators had something up their sleeves. We'd like to congratulate the Undergraduate Council for revealing the deviousness of University Hall.

Dean Epps and his sidekick Susan Cooke always struck us as shifty. Now that the council has recovered $40,000 from their clutches, we have new hopes of finding some of our favorite long losts.

We hope the University will take a lesson from the council's detective work and come clean with everything else we know it's got--Jimmy Hoffa, the Lampoon's Ibis, the ark of the covenant and all the socks that disappear in the dryer. Cough it up, guys. Beth will thank you.

`THE BODY'--Michael M. Rosen; SENATE DUST--Melissa Rose Langsam; LOST AND FOUND--Adam S. Hickey