Sunday night, students go back to their dormsfor a lengthy and somewhat interesting proctormeeting. Lengthy because the proctor will go overa neverending list of administrative rules.Interesting because this is the first look atintricate-but-oh-so fascinating dorm relations.Students can entertain themselves during theproctor's "be supportive of each other" speech bystudying the other dorm inhabitants and pickingout The Loner, The Social Butterfly, The Kid Who'sRumored To Have A Perfect SAT Score But No One'sReally Sure, The Shoulder to Cry On Kid and TheAnnoying as Hell Kid.
The week begins in earnest with first-yearregistration. Registration sounds important. Itsounds like something that requires an early alarmclock setting. But the secret to registration isto go in the afternoon. Everyone thinks it's agood idea to line up in the morning. As a result,first years find themselves stuck in an hour-longline playing more name game, which by now isbeginning to get old. And it's still early in theweek.
The line is good for something, though. Thecoach of the varsity crew team shows up to checkout the new crop of first years, zeroing in on thetallest ones who just might be interested inrising at 5 a.m. to row on the chilly Charles.Short students will be asked to be coxswains.Average-heighted students will be ignored.
Inside Memorial Hall, first years fill outforms and sign their names several times. Theyexit the building, only to enter a tent in whichthey are attacked from all sides by members ofvarious extracurricular groups: JoinHarvard-Radcliffe Orchestra! Comp the Advocate!Interested in Public Service? Wanna be a HarvardCheerleader? Comp The crimson! Studentsinvariably get involved in some of theseactivities and wind up either enriched or bootedfrom school after they devote 20 hours a day tothe organization and forget to study.
Generally, the first episode of the orientationweek placement test series is the famousExpository Writing Test, in which first yearsstruggle to recall their admissions essays, whichmust have impressed someone over at Byerly Hall.Now they must once again impress someone--thistime in the Expos Department--so that they can getinto a decent semester-long writing class andavoid Expos 10, the year-long alternative for theless prosaically-inclined.
There are other tests to take, for students wholike that kind of thing. Chemistry placement testsdetermine the level of hell for would-be premeds.It's a good idea to take a foreign languageplacement tests; it's possible to test out ofHarvard's foreign language requirement. An eveningcookout caps that day's activities. More namegame.
Students awake the next day to a delightfulmath test. Harvard doesn't force anyone to takemath, so the results are completely irrelevant forhumanities concentrators. These people should havefun with the test and enjoy a good hearty laugh atthe results, which will not be too impressive.
Mid-week, first years will have to spend themorning acing or bombing the notoriousQuantitative Reasoning Requirement Data Test.Students arrive to their assigned testinglocation, QRR Study Guides in hand, and get readyto embark on the long journey to "20," which isthe minimum score for passing the exam. Byachieving this feat, first-years avoid the nasty"QRA" course and are liberated from bell curvesand pie charts forever--unless they're intostatistics or are regular readers of USA Today.
There's a talent show one night, in which firstyears applaud their gifted classmates who can playguitar, sing and even recite "The Raven" frommemory. but while this is Harvard, there willstill be crummy acts. Which will be refreshing,since this is Harvard.
Various concentration departments will holdoffice hours for interested students. Before youbag these to sleep late or go out to lunch, keepin mind that in about eight months (three monthsfor Advanced Standing students) you'll have tochoose a concentration. Keep in mind that Harvardis also filled with horror stories of students whocan't count most of the courses they took theirfirst year. Go and scope out any departments youfind interesting.
The next week, introductory meetings forstudent activities will begin shortly aftershopping period does. Students can hop fromextracurricular meeting to extracurricularmeeting, filling up each time with the Doritos andSmartfood provided and enjoying the feeling ofbeing in demand.
On Friday night, first-years get a look at oneof Harvard's stranger phenomenons, the a capellajam. The performance goes something like this: acapella group performs a funny skit. Audiencemembers laugh and wish they, too, could weartuxedos and black cocktail dresses and be funny. Acapella group sings song with lots of ba-ba-basounds and harmonizing. Audience members applaudand wish they, too, could wear tuxedos and blackcocktail dresses and sing well. A capella groupsencourage first-years to go to auditions.
Audience members go to auditions and get cutand wish they, too, could wear tuxedos and blackcocktail dresses and be in an a capella group. Sixmonths later, after attending a capella concertsevery other weekend, audience members realize theynever want to see another tuxedo or black cocktaildress again.
At some point during the week, prefects show upto meet their assigned dorm. Prefects are olderHarvard students who "show the ropes" tofirst-years. They might take their group out toice cream every week, invite them to river suitesto watch "The Simpsons" or explore Boston withtheir prefectees. Or maybe they'll never stop byagain.
The night they appear, prefects lead theircharges on a wild goose chase through the Yard,looking for the Yard Plate, a fancy silverplatter. With 1,600 bodies tearing through thedark and screamingHolworthy/Lionel/Wigglesworth Rules!, it isanybody's guess who wins. Sometimes the outcomevaries. In past years, renegade Canaday F stolethe plate from finder Grays Middle and kept itovernight, receiving a warning from the Graysprefect and gleeful approval from the Canadayprefect. Stay tuned for the results this year