Orientation week is a seven-day cocktail party. It's a homework-free romp through the Yard. It's an opportunity to bond with geniuses who got 1600s on their SATs and roommates who snorkle, write award-winning poetry and splice genes in their free time. It's along, strange trip that's completely forgotten a month later.

Harvard first-year students come in at least two varieties: big orientation week fans and big orientation week critics. Very few think the experience is just "okay."

For those who like introductions, small talk and playing the name game, it's a blast. Every day is an opportunity to meet a future spouse, or at least a first girlfriend or boyfriend. Besides taking placement tests, the only responsibilities are socializing and more socializing.

The people who thoroughly enjoy orientation soon find that they don't have a single bad thing to say about Harvard. Their fate is sealed. They often become Crimson Key hosts, sharing their enthusiasm with tourists from around the world.

Less boppy students will describe orientationweek as an "ordeal," or at least call it "weird."They find the placement tests too challenging,idiotic and numerous, and the ice-breaker eventstoo shallow. Thehi-what's-your-name-where-are-you-from-what's-your-dorm-well-nice-to-meet-you mantra growsold very quickly, and the days become a blur ofcookouts, sweaty parties and fierce scamming.

During the next three years, orientation weekdetractors will shake their heads sadly, recallingall the cute Jennys and Kevins that they met thatweek so long ago and haven't spoken to since.

Nevertheless, no one can accuse orientationweek of being like high school or like anythingelse from an 18-year-old's previous experience,for that matter.

The first year's introductory extravaganzabegins on the day when dorms open, usually aSaturday. This is a significant day. The bigquestions: Just who is this roommate? Will weclick? Will I instantly hate him/her? Does he/shehave a cool stereo system I can use? Is thatunpleasant smell due to his/her recent return froma week-long First-year Outdoor Program backpackingtrip, or is this a regular thing?

Roommate dynamics for the rest of the year arefrequently determined by the way students handlethe all-important bedroom selection process. Someroommates are nice and wait for everyone to arrivebefore they settle down in a particular room.Others do not.

That evening, it's time to discover theculinary wonders of the Harvard Union. This is thedining-room-away-from-home, where is 30-minutewait for a plate of caponata spaghetti is nothingunusual, and where first years learn to dine tothe dull roar of 1,600 of their chatteringclassmates. Many believe that the Union, more thananything else, defines the first-year experience.Never again do students eat Chickwiches with agroup the size of some Midwestern towns.

Classmates continue to move in on Sunday.Further roommate bonding takes place, or doesn't.Sunday is a good day for errands--a good day tospend big bucks.

The Coop will be full of first years withparents in tow, examining the prices of laundrybaskets, full-length mirrors and artsy M.C. Escherposters (every first-year room has at least one).

That weekend also marks the Ice Cream Bash, asocial function designed to initiate first yearsinto the Square's fetish for frozen desserts. Forthe next four years, the Union will provide icecream at least once a day, giving its students thedelusion that in the real world, they will haveice cream regularly. The Bash is also one of thefirst opportunities to meet other members of theclass. It's certainly not the last.

The first weekend also kicks off theorientation week party series sponsored by fellowclassmates who would like to meet other classmatesvia keg. Recently, Yard parties have become harderto come by due to a stricter alcohol policy at theCollege. Many students will likely spend everynight for the rest of the week--no, for the restof college--searching for The Party, which many ormay not actually exist. Good luck.

Sunday is highlighted by the Opening Exercises.First years and their families sit on foldingchairs together in Tercentary Theater and try toimagine four years at this place. They sing quaintHarvard songs, listen to witty speeches, lookaround at other families and try to convincethemselves that the next time they end up sittingon a Tercentary Theater foldingchair--Commencement--is a long, long way away.

From Opening Exercises, the first-year classheads en masse to the Radcliffe Quad for agood old-fashioned picnic--Harvard Dining Servicesal fresco, basically. Students are supposedto sit with their dormmates, but during the longmarch to the Quad, they tend to get separatedsomewhere between Johnston gate and the SheratonCommander Hotel. These kinds of things have a wayof happening on the way to the Quad.

Sunday night, students go back to their dormsfor a lengthy and somewhat interesting proctormeeting. Lengthy because the proctor will go overa neverending list of administrative rules.Interesting because this is the first look atintricate-but-oh-so fascinating dorm relations.Students can entertain themselves during theproctor's "be supportive of each other" speech bystudying the other dorm inhabitants and pickingout The Loner, The Social Butterfly, The Kid Who'sRumored To Have A Perfect SAT Score But No One'sReally Sure, The Shoulder to Cry On Kid and TheAnnoying as Hell Kid.

The week begins in earnest with first-yearregistration. Registration sounds important. Itsounds like something that requires an early alarmclock setting. But the secret to registration isto go in the afternoon. Everyone thinks it's agood idea to line up in the morning. As a result,first years find themselves stuck in an hour-longline playing more name game, which by now isbeginning to get old. And it's still early in theweek.

The line is good for something, though. Thecoach of the varsity crew team shows up to checkout the new crop of first years, zeroing in on thetallest ones who just might be interested inrising at 5 a.m. to row on the chilly Charles.Short students will be asked to be coxswains.Average-heighted students will be ignored.

Inside Memorial Hall, first years fill outforms and sign their names several times. Theyexit the building, only to enter a tent in whichthey are attacked from all sides by members ofvarious extracurricular groups: JoinHarvard-Radcliffe Orchestra! Comp the Advocate!Interested in Public Service? Wanna be a HarvardCheerleader? Comp The crimson! Studentsinvariably get involved in some of theseactivities and wind up either enriched or bootedfrom school after they devote 20 hours a day tothe organization and forget to study.

Generally, the first episode of the orientationweek placement test series is the famousExpository Writing Test, in which first yearsstruggle to recall their admissions essays, whichmust have impressed someone over at Byerly Hall.Now they must once again impress someone--thistime in the Expos Department--so that they can getinto a decent semester-long writing class andavoid Expos 10, the year-long alternative for theless prosaically-inclined.

There are other tests to take, for students wholike that kind of thing. Chemistry placement testsdetermine the level of hell for would-be premeds.It's a good idea to take a foreign languageplacement tests; it's possible to test out ofHarvard's foreign language requirement. An eveningcookout caps that day's activities. More namegame.

Students awake the next day to a delightfulmath test. Harvard doesn't force anyone to takemath, so the results are completely irrelevant forhumanities concentrators. These people should havefun with the test and enjoy a good hearty laugh atthe results, which will not be too impressive.

Mid-week, first years will have to spend themorning acing or bombing the notoriousQuantitative Reasoning Requirement Data Test.Students arrive to their assigned testinglocation, QRR Study Guides in hand, and get readyto embark on the long journey to "20," which isthe minimum score for passing the exam. Byachieving this feat, first-years avoid the nasty"QRA" course and are liberated from bell curvesand pie charts forever--unless they're intostatistics or are regular readers of USA Today.

There's a talent show one night, in which firstyears applaud their gifted classmates who can playguitar, sing and even recite "The Raven" frommemory. but while this is Harvard, there willstill be crummy acts. Which will be refreshing,since this is Harvard.

Various concentration departments will holdoffice hours for interested students. Before youbag these to sleep late or go out to lunch, keepin mind that in about eight months (three monthsfor Advanced Standing students) you'll have tochoose a concentration. Keep in mind that Harvardis also filled with horror stories of students whocan't count most of the courses they took theirfirst year. Go and scope out any departments youfind interesting.

The next week, introductory meetings forstudent activities will begin shortly aftershopping period does. Students can hop fromextracurricular meeting to extracurricularmeeting, filling up each time with the Doritos andSmartfood provided and enjoying the feeling ofbeing in demand.

On Friday night, first-years get a look at oneof Harvard's stranger phenomenons, the a capellajam. The performance goes something like this: acapella group performs a funny skit. Audiencemembers laugh and wish they, too, could weartuxedos and black cocktail dresses and be funny. Acapella group sings song with lots of ba-ba-basounds and harmonizing. Audience members applaudand wish they, too, could wear tuxedos and blackcocktail dresses and sing well. A capella groupsencourage first-years to go to auditions.

Audience members go to auditions and get cutand wish they, too, could wear tuxedos and blackcocktail dresses and be in an a capella group. Sixmonths later, after attending a capella concertsevery other weekend, audience members realize theynever want to see another tuxedo or black cocktaildress again.

At some point during the week, prefects show upto meet their assigned dorm. Prefects are olderHarvard students who "show the ropes" tofirst-years. They might take their group out toice cream every week, invite them to river suitesto watch "The Simpsons" or explore Boston withtheir prefectees. Or maybe they'll never stop byagain.

The night they appear, prefects lead theircharges on a wild goose chase through the Yard,looking for the Yard Plate, a fancy silverplatter. With 1,600 bodies tearing through thedark and screamingHolworthy/Lionel/Wigglesworth Rules!, it isanybody's guess who wins. Sometimes the outcomevaries. In past years, renegade Canaday F stolethe plate from finder Grays Middle and kept itovernight, receiving a warning from the Graysprefect and gleeful approval from the Canadayprefect. Stay tuned for the results this year