Philip Nini, of Nini's Corner. Enjoy Dean Epps' sensitivity training seminar. We hope you comprende.

Peninsula's Council Members. Flee! Flee! We're all gay and we're coming to get you!

Wellesley Professor Anthony Martin. Flee! Flee! We're all Jewish and we're coming to get you!

Kristen M. Clarke '97, BSA President. Continue contributing to the spirit of goodwill on campus.

Charles A. Murray '65, Surviving Author of The Bell Curve. Strike while the iron is hot and while the market is ready. Write a sequel. Sell the film rights.

David L. Hanselman '94-'95, President of the U.C. Divert your personal campaign war chest toward private donations to ROTC.

Yalies. Go ahead, steal our flag this year. We have the money. We'll just buy another one.

Quad Formal Ticket Counterfeiters and Scalpers. Don't let your talents go to waste. Enterprising individuals such as yourselves should run for U.C. this year.

Senior Economics Concentrators on the Recruiting Circuit. Sit back and relax; you'll get a job.

Other Seniors on the Recruiting Circuit. Apply early. Every year, hundreds of thousands of high school kids beat you to the punch for those burger-flipping jobs at McDonald's.

Medical School Applicants. Loosen up and have fun for the first time in your life. See first-hand what your body parts can do for you.

Law School Applicants. See if you can't squeeze out of your last few months at college an inkling of a well-rounded education that doesn't involve the art of bull.

And finally, The Harvard Crimson resolves to continue to fight for truth, justice and the American way. Welcome back.