Welcome back to Cambridge after two weeks of holiday cheer and celebration with your family, opening gifts and singing songs. But what gift did we receive from fair Mother Harvard? The dread of finals, a freezing cold two-week escape into the library, three days of intersession and spring registration. Oh, joy.

There are things that all of us could improve about ourselves, and the dawn of the new year seems an especially appropriate time to do that. Allow us to make some modest suggestions for new year's resolutions on behalf of members of the College community:

The Freshman Union. Skip the special "Welcome Back" dinner.

UHS. Encourage first-years to skip the special "Welcome Back" dinner.

First-years. Skip dinner. You need to lose all that weight you put on over break.

Dean of the College L. Fred Jewett '57. Make your last few months really count. Ignore student opinion and randomize the housing lottery, rename Faculty Row "Jewett House," and start stealing office supplies.

Aspiring Deans of the College. Help Fred steal office supplies.

Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III. Go wild. Offer the front face of University Hall for student banners.

President Neil L. Rudenstine. Delegate. Delegate. Delegate. Someone else can be sick for you just as well as you can. Get well.

Dean of the Faculty Jeremy R. Knowles. Read Macchiavelli's The Prince. Carnesale's vulnerable and Rudenstine's out of the picture. Do what comes naturally, President Knowles.

Members of the Undergraduate Council. Try to piss us off just a little more, why don't you?

Members of newly-renamed Pforzheimer House. Try to pforget it. At least it isn't your last name.

Widener Library. Now that Steve's been caught, let go of all those painfully obvious undercover 62-year-old lady librarian types.

Final Clubs. We know it's hard for you guys. But try to develop a love for women.

The Coop. Use all that money you're hoarding from us. Buy yourself a con-science and remember the meaning of the word 'cooperative.'