The Pentagon has promised networks far better access to the invasion than they have been given in other campaigns.

Dan and the cameras were going to be side-by-side with the nation's finest on U.S. ships and aircraft. With the Pentagon's budget shrinking so steadily, one has to wonder what arrangements were made by the networks to get these terrific front-row seats. It's a bloody shame we didn't invade Haiti. It was the only respite we might have gotten from O.J. Simpson.

There will be a next time, though, and what untold wonders we were to have experienced this time will surely be re-packaged and fitted with New and Improved technology.

We might see a virtual reality and interactive television show that will allow us to crouch down under a tenement with Dan Rather and watch an amazing shot of a soldier being hit by a , again and again. Or feel the heat of a airborne missile as it screams down and blows up a pier a few feet away. The possibilities for exploitation are endless.

This dazzling display of new TV technology is to say nothing about the new special effects we might see on the screen.

In addition to Dan and the crew having a few nifty cameras and satellite microphones, the Pentagon will also be showcasing their marvels of modern science. We saw the latest in desert warfare technology last week on TV time.

This week, we were to see Uncle Sam's new marine and amphibious wonders, including Haitian AquaScuds being pummeled by American Calyp-so-Patriot II missiles.

Wars have become benchmarks not only for increasing pervasion and perversion of the media, but also for the latest line of killing machine models.

In the end, the circus did not come to life, ratings hovered at seasonal levels, and Dan Rather got a suntan and some swimming lessons. Finally, only one question remains: Where was Fox?

Always on the cutting edge, they one-upped the competition by not relying on the nasty unpredictability of world events for their entertainment.

I hear that they were busy in production, shooting a pilot for "Port-au-Prince Place," a new twentysomething life series about starving Haitians trying to make it on their own.

Disenchanted with network news, Patrick S. Chung '96 has decided to refocus his interest in television toward auditioning for the sassy "Jean-Claude," the aspiring journalist character on his soon-to-be favorite Fox television program.