You have to feel sorry for the big U.S. television networks. Just as they were gearing up for the big invasion of Haiti, the dynamic trio of Carter, Nunn, and Powell had to fly in and make boring news. Everyone knows that bland, bloodless sound bites don't sell. Just who do these eleventh-hour dei ex machina think they are?

Last week, if you don't already know, some of the world's most advanced communications equipment, including Dan Rather and the whole CBS, ABC, NBC, and GNN teams, were flown into the small island-state of Haiti.

Portable satellite equipment, satellite telephones, and cameras that can see in the dark were set up in homes that were bought out, mortgage and all, by the powerful American media.

The entire island was wired for some serious live action; it was the latest in a triennial global spectacle. It was even more thrilling than ESPN, with an audience a thousand times as large.

But like a rock star backing out of a stadium full of people or a baseball team striking and leaving millions of ticket holders angry, it just didn't happen. And boy, Dan Rather must have been pretty pissed off. He went to Haiti hoping to be the ringmaster of a glorious new techno-production.

"I'm reasonably confident we'll be able to get pictures and sound on a consistent basis," the enthusiastic middle-aged anchor told the New York Times.

Certainly not like the disruptive service we got during the last spectacle, the 1991 fiasco in the Persian Gulf. Nothing can beat Peter Arnett with a satellite dish strapped to his head, fading in and out of our living rooms like a distress call on the Starship Enterprise.

According to the leading networks, the language of war is bloodless. "This is the next generation of coverage," Robert Murphy, senior vice president at ABC, told the Times.

The Haitian invasion is now just a special, like those great NBC after school specials we used to watch in junior high.

David Bohrman, NBC's executive producer of specials, claims that "This is the first event of this kind where the news organizations are not relying on the military for primary access. If the invasion is in Port-au-Prince, we'll see all there is to see."

You bet we will. We'll even see it in the dark. So will the Haitians. They won't even have to go outside for it.

The network executives talk about a war like tourists shooting a cock-fight with their Camcorders. It's just another consumer product, but this time it's new and improved, with Dolby Surround-Sound and high-definition pictures that allow you to feel like you're there! According to the Times, they have even promised that "the invasion scenes would not resemble the opening moments of the American landing in Somalia."

After all, the desert thing is so passe. Caribbean is in. Stunning new choreography and set, guaranteed to blow your socks off!

It's time we asked ourselves where reality stops and a fabricated image begins. Just how much involvement do the media have in creating the events which sustain them?

Who controls the decisions of whether or not we should invade Haiti? And what role is the defense department playing in pandering to the masses?

The Pentagon has promised networks far better access to the invasion than they have been given in other campaigns.

Dan and the cameras were going to be side-by-side with the nation's finest on U.S. ships and aircraft. With the Pentagon's budget shrinking so steadily, one has to wonder what arrangements were made by the networks to get these terrific front-row seats. It's a bloody shame we didn't invade Haiti. It was the only respite we might have gotten from O.J. Simpson.

There will be a next time, though, and what untold wonders we were to have experienced this time will surely be re-packaged and fitted with New and Improved technology.

We might see a virtual reality and interactive television show that will allow us to crouch down under a tenement with Dan Rather and watch an amazing shot of a soldier being hit by a , again and again. Or feel the heat of a airborne missile as it screams down and blows up a pier a few feet away. The possibilities for exploitation are endless.

This dazzling display of new TV technology is to say nothing about the new special effects we might see on the screen.

In addition to Dan and the crew having a few nifty cameras and satellite microphones, the Pentagon will also be showcasing their marvels of modern science. We saw the latest in desert warfare technology last week on TV time.

This week, we were to see Uncle Sam's new marine and amphibious wonders, including Haitian AquaScuds being pummeled by American Calyp-so-Patriot II missiles.

Wars have become benchmarks not only for increasing pervasion and perversion of the media, but also for the latest line of killing machine models.

In the end, the circus did not come to life, ratings hovered at seasonal levels, and Dan Rather got a suntan and some swimming lessons. Finally, only one question remains: Where was Fox?

Always on the cutting edge, they one-upped the competition by not relying on the nasty unpredictability of world events for their entertainment.

I hear that they were busy in production, shooting a pilot for "Port-au-Prince Place," a new twentysomething life series about starving Haitians trying to make it on their own.

Disenchanted with network news, Patrick S. Chung '96 has decided to refocus his interest in television toward auditioning for the sassy "Jean-Claude," the aspiring journalist character on his soon-to-be favorite Fox television program.