And another thing, when you get a ticket, it will have what they call a "seat assignment." That is a figure of speech, unless a seat can be a slab of concrete.

What other sports are popular?

Men's ice hockey gets good crowds, and to some extent, men's basketball. Men's volleyball has a small but extremely vocal following.

And if you're a Californian like me who has never seen ice, much less ice hockey before, don't worry. You'll pick up the rules fast.

While I'm on the subject of displaced Westerners, I might as well tell you about lacrosse. Once spring--yet another figure of speech--rolls around, see one of these games.

The sport, especially the men's version, involves a lot of big people hitting each other with large sticks. For the fans, it's great fun.

Any other violent Eastern sports I should check out?

Rugby fits the bill. And the men's team won the national championship last year. The reason that there wasn't a lot of hoopla was because it is only a club sport.

From the teams that you said were good, which ones are going to win a national title?

Men's ice hockey has a decent chance. It came close to winning last season, but lost a close game in the semifinals to Lake Superior State.

How can a college be called that? Is it one big houseboat or something?

I really don't know.

Anyway, the next best shot is with the women's lacrosse team, who lost in the first round of the six-team playoffs last year. The team lost a lot of seniors, however, so anything could happen.

The worst chance belongs to the football team, because Ivy teams don't go to postseason playoff games. Something about academics, I think.

You're not serious, are you?

I am completely serious. If you've already bought a T-shirt that says, "Harvard Football: 1994 Division I-AA future champs," you've been gyped.