Hello, freshmen!

You've parked your car in Harvard Yard. You've decided or fought over who got the single. You've told 5,000 people who you are and where you're from.

But, horrors of horrors, you don't know a darn thing about Harvard sports. And that's where I come in.

So listen up, and in five minutes you can know more about Crimson sports than most seniors. Excluding Mather House, of course.

Who's good? Who's not so good?

Men's ice hockey, women's lacrosse, and both squash teams are always pretty good. Same with men's swimming, the cross country teams and the tennis teams.

Men's soccer, men's volleyball, and women's field hockey were supposed to be better than they were last season. And the football team has a new coach from the University of Cincinnati, a division 1-A school that went 8-3 last year.

The other teams we like to refer to as "up and coming."

Wait a second. Who's this new coach?

He's Tim Murphy, who replaced Joe Restic in April. Restic retired after his 23rd year.

Restic was renowned for his innovative "multiflex" offense, which only six living people understand. And I am not one of them.

If you're interested, though, Mike Giardi '94 quarterbacked the team last year and will happily explain it to you, if you have a spare week or two.

He can sometimes be found at the Bow and Arrow pub when he isn't playing minor league baseball, but that won't help you much. God couldn't make an ID for a freshman that the Bow's bouncer wouldn't spot.

No, wait, go back to football. Does everyone go to the games?

Not really, except for the Yale game. It's not like you'll see the Crimson in the Rose Bowl this year.

And another thing, when you get a ticket, it will have what they call a "seat assignment." That is a figure of speech, unless a seat can be a slab of concrete.

What other sports are popular?

Men's ice hockey gets good crowds, and to some extent, men's basketball. Men's volleyball has a small but extremely vocal following.

And if you're a Californian like me who has never seen ice, much less ice hockey before, don't worry. You'll pick up the rules fast.

While I'm on the subject of displaced Westerners, I might as well tell you about lacrosse. Once spring--yet another figure of speech--rolls around, see one of these games.

The sport, especially the men's version, involves a lot of big people hitting each other with large sticks. For the fans, it's great fun.

Any other violent Eastern sports I should check out?

Rugby fits the bill. And the men's team won the national championship last year. The reason that there wasn't a lot of hoopla was because it is only a club sport.

From the teams that you said were good, which ones are going to win a national title?

Men's ice hockey has a decent chance. It came close to winning last season, but lost a close game in the semifinals to Lake Superior State.

How can a college be called that? Is it one big houseboat or something?

I really don't know.

Anyway, the next best shot is with the women's lacrosse team, who lost in the first round of the six-team playoffs last year. The team lost a lot of seniors, however, so anything could happen.

The worst chance belongs to the football team, because Ivy teams don't go to postseason playoff games. Something about academics, I think.

You're not serious, are you?

I am completely serious. If you've already bought a T-shirt that says, "Harvard Football: 1994 Division I-AA future champs," you've been gyped.