Then of course there is the phylum Pre-Greedicus, which is comprised of two classes: Pre-Lawicus and Pre-Biznicus. When you talk to members of this phylum, your conversation with them, not too unlike your conversations with many Harvard students, will often sound something like this:

You'll start with an innocuous question like "How's it going?" and the reply will be something like, "Fine [or 'It's Hell']. I have a [fill in the blank] tomorrow." The blank can be "a paper," "an exam," "an economics problem set," "an important phone call." If the person is a senior, it can also be "an interview" or "a thesis chapter." If they happen to ask you the question, "How's it going?" you will have to respond in the same way, since the question obviously requires an answer related to one's grades, one's resume or one's probability of attaining future success.

Conversations with the Pre-Greedicus can often seem like conversations with a persistent detective or investigative reporter: "So, how did you find out about that job?" "Can you give me the official title of that government bureaucrat I saw you schmoozing with yesterday?" "So how much will you be making next year?" "By the way, what's the name of that student you were speaking to yesterday who just got an offer from Morgan Stanley?"

Saying goodbye to members of the phylum Pre-Greedicus can be similarly rewarding. Pre-Greedicus are usually the ones to initiate the departure, and they can do so with varying degrees of abruptness and skill. Here are just a few prototypical goodbyes:

1) "I really have to get going. " The virtues of this goodbye technique is that it makes the Pre-Greedicus sound really, really busy. And impressive too. For added zest, Pre-Greedici might tack on another sentence to share with you their important reason for having to run off so quickly.

2) "Actually, I'm kind of busy right now." This usually comes right after you propose to the Pre-greedicus to do something else (which may actually entail nonproductive movement or conversation). This goodbye is especially useful to Pre-Greedicus because the "right now" qualification personalizes their departure with the slight suggestion that their busy state is only temporary.

Them, of course, there's the phylum Pre-Journalistic. You can identify members of this phylum by their proclivity to use words like "proclivity" and make obnoxious observations about the world around them, in the vain hope that someone will find them amusing.

They'll probably be unemployed next year, but they'll have a fanciful explanation for it, linked to the writing of a novel that will some day win the Pulitzer.

There are so many other interesting Harvard personages worthy of description: the math/Physics genius who lives on another planet, the Eliot House power-monger, the Milk-Toast achiever who lacks a personality but gets the grade, and the pre-thespian exhibitionist whose personality is always on display.

But alack, we're all actually kind of busy right now, and we really don't have time to read about ourselves anymore.