1)It is black and should have been discarded after the '70s.

2)It is black and actually was donated to the Salvation Army after the '70s, but has since been fashionably patched up.

3)It includes black suede platform shoes and black, nonfunctional glasses.

Now let us move to the most striking category of individual at Harvard College, the notorious Jockicus. The Jockicus tends to capture one's attention precisely because he doesn't seem to belong at Harvard--at least not in a Harvard classroom, and yet he is so often encountered there.

Surely you've noticed the Jockicus in one of your sections. He usually lacks a neck, or at least it starts and ends with a thick roll of flesh that protrudes from the back of his occipital bone. He looks as if he starts every morning by consuming at least four boxes of Wheaties before rendering an innocent-looking bathroom completely uninhabitable.

His biceps are often bigger than you head, an this seems to assist him in section, where his athletic virtue and valor translate into the opening comment. The Jockicus seems to triumph in section mostly because his formidable physique, for students of normal dimensions, constitutes enough of a justification for the statements he makes.

On a rare occasion, the 98-pound math genius will try to correct something said by the Jockicus, but will invariably lose because of his inferior lung power.

Because so many members of the phylum Final Clubicus are also members of the phylum Jockicus, the two can be difficult to discern. The important thing to remember here is that, while both try to drink beer as if it were water and both love sports as if they mattered, some members of the Final Clubicus are not actually of the phylum Jockicus.

These members of the phylum Final Clubicus descend from obscenely wealthy ancestors whose names are inscribed on all important buildings. They are the people who will bar me from getting a job at the top 100 corporations in America, for having written this piece. Their strength, like that of Jockici, originates in their tendency to move about in herds. Later in life, this habit of moving and thinking in herds translates into many powerful connections, that provide a kind of affirmative action for the over-privileged.

The other phylum of Harvard students who inevitably succeed, although through a little more seat, is the phylum Pre-med Geekicus. Members of this phylum can be identified in several ways:

1)They are always rushing to or from the Science Center.

2)They wear strictly functional glasses and clothing that makes sex unthinkable.

3)They won't be having fun until they are M.D.s, living in the suburbs with spouses and kids.

4)They can get rather violent when it comes to grades.

5)They treat their class notes like information that can be released only to the CIA, and those not applying to med school.