Option C: Send in an undercover team to distribute free brownies, chocolate bars, candy corn, and other foodstuffs to the guilty parties in order to promote tooth decay and gum disease.

Scenario 4: An English major has handed in a creative writing thesis entitled "Madonna Quixote." Half-way through the thesis, a sharp-eyed grad student realized that he was reading Cervantes "Don Quixote" with the genders reversed. What is the appropriate punishment for this plagiarist?

Option A: Forcing the student to read an issue of the Harvard Lampoon cover to cover and then translate the Vanitas section into English.

Option B: Making the student re-take English 10.

Option C: Appointing the student to a chair in Feminist Literary Theory.

Scenario 5: During a routine cinderblock inspection, the Quincy House superintendent discovers that four seniors have turned their common room into a synthesizing center for crack. An exhaustive search of the room uncovers chemical apparatus, 80 kilos of cocaine, three "I love Bolivia" t-shirts, and $1.8 million in krugerrands and traveller's checks. What should Harvard do to these four students?

Option A: Put them in front of a firing squad seven minutes after sunrise.

Option B: Expel them from the College then admit them into the B-School.

Option C: Allow them to donate the money to the College, and let them off with a suspension and reserved seats on the Class Gift Committee.

DEAN JEWETT looked up from his notecards. "Well, what do you think, boss? Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"

"No, I shall stand, thank you," said Bok. "And as for what I think, I think you are somewhat lacking in severity on those who choose to stick "Kick Me" signs on the back of college presidents. You might also have something in the new policy for a Dean of Students who obeys those signs."

"Good thinking boss!" said Jewett, and with a quick jab at the bull's eye stapled to Bok's pants, off he scurried to plan new fiendish tortures.