THE RUMOR spread from one den of undergraduate iniquity to another, from the decadent pleasure parlors of Westmorely Court to the scruffy political cabals of Currier House. "A new discipline policy! A new discipline policy! There's going to be a new discipline policy!" An agonized groan erupted from the lips of the flouters of laws and the spurners of rules, for they sensed that the free and easy days of taping "Kick me!" signs to Derek Bok's behind were about to come to an end.

Deep in the bowels of University Hall, L. Fred Jewett--'L' for "Law 'n' Order"--was plotting the crackdown that would once and for all make Harvard Yard a safe place for elderly grandmothers and university presidents. Flanked by his two highly paid consultants--Elliot Ness and Wyatt Earp--Marshall Jewett was going over the various proposals to bring the University's nogoodnicks to their knees. Bok loomed over Jewett's shoulder, showing inordinate interest in the plans of his two-fisted, iron-bellied lieutenant.

"O.K. men, this is our final run-through for The New Discipline. We're going to list our top options for different kinds of disciplinary problems, for the benefit of the Big Guy here. Are the cue cards ready? What about the anatomically correct dolls? O.K., let's go."

Scenario 1: A soft-hearted freshman has been caught smuggling a destitute mother and her four starving children into the Union, in order that these deadbeats might feast on the fat of Harvard's land. What will be the fate of this naughty freshman?

He must:

Option A: Walk the plank.

Option B: Face the music.

Option C: Do the dishes.

Scenario 2: Four sophomores have caused obscene messages like "Every donut needs a hole" and "Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny" to appear in every computer account, causing some high-strung teaching fellows to burst into tears every time they see a For-Next loop. What is the appropriate sentence for these malefactors?

Option A: One year of group therapy with Menudo.

Option B: Locking the sophomores into a room with Mistress Lucrezia (skilled in the arts of the horse whip and 18-hour leather girdle) for one whole evening.

Option C: Exiling them to MIT frat parties every weekend.

Scenario 3: After Harvard denies tenure to a group of junior professors on grounds of "competent and compassionate teaching," a highly organized group of anarcho-humanists occupies the Faculty Club. The protesters only leave after disrupting an academic dinner in honor of Kathleen Turner, and they refuse to appear before any disciplinary body. How should these students be disciplined without violating due process?

Option A: Instruct each student's academic advisor to snicker audibly when signing his or her study card.

Option B: Turn the thermostats in each guilty student's room to extra low, and steal their New York Times every morning.

Option C: Send in an undercover team to distribute free brownies, chocolate bars, candy corn, and other foodstuffs to the guilty parties in order to promote tooth decay and gum disease.

Scenario 4: An English major has handed in a creative writing thesis entitled "Madonna Quixote." Half-way through the thesis, a sharp-eyed grad student realized that he was reading Cervantes "Don Quixote" with the genders reversed. What is the appropriate punishment for this plagiarist?

Option A: Forcing the student to read an issue of the Harvard Lampoon cover to cover and then translate the Vanitas section into English.

Option B: Making the student re-take English 10.

Option C: Appointing the student to a chair in Feminist Literary Theory.

Scenario 5: During a routine cinderblock inspection, the Quincy House superintendent discovers that four seniors have turned their common room into a synthesizing center for crack. An exhaustive search of the room uncovers chemical apparatus, 80 kilos of cocaine, three "I love Bolivia" t-shirts, and $1.8 million in krugerrands and traveller's checks. What should Harvard do to these four students?

Option A: Put them in front of a firing squad seven minutes after sunrise.

Option B: Expel them from the College then admit them into the B-School.

Option C: Allow them to donate the money to the College, and let them off with a suspension and reserved seats on the Class Gift Committee.

DEAN JEWETT looked up from his notecards. "Well, what do you think, boss? Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"

"No, I shall stand, thank you," said Bok. "And as for what I think, I think you are somewhat lacking in severity on those who choose to stick "Kick Me" signs on the back of college presidents. You might also have something in the new policy for a Dean of Students who obeys those signs."

"Good thinking boss!" said Jewett, and with a quick jab at the bull's eye stapled to Bok's pants, off he scurried to plan new fiendish tortures.