* 22, Monday--Registrar Margaret E. Law decides to bring in some additional bucks for Harvard by opening up the College's registration packets to advertisers. Several Harvard students suffer heart attacks as they try to lug their 89-pound envelopes to the red dot room. Law refuses comment.
OCTOBER
* 8, Wednesday--Highbrow journalism mogul Rupert Murdoch announces that he has bought the Harvard Independent for $1500. Murdoch adds in an interview on Channel 5 that he also considered purchasing the Lampoon, but decided it wouldn't be profitable. "That's not funny!" barks Lampy president Daniel J. Greaney '87.
* 11, Saturday--To help ABC's sagging Monday Night Football ratings, former correspondent How-wad Cosell dons a football uniform and makes a special appearance in the same backfield with The Refrigerator. As a result, Cosell's publishers change the names of his bestseller "I Never Played The Game" to "I Played the Game. Once."
* 16, Thursday--The Audit Bureau of Circulation reports that the Harvard Independent's circulation has soared to 467,000 a week. Headlines in today's issue include: "Giant Slime Monster Living in Charles," "Axe-Wielding Cliffie Trashes A.D. 'Bimbo Party,"' and "Cokehead Cannibal Feasts on Signet Snoots." Says Indy Editor-in-Chief Kristin Amerling '87, "We're trying to get permission from Dean Jewett to start up Wingo."
* 17, Friday--Faced with plunging advertising revenues, The Crimson renames itself 'Harvard Today' and begins publication in four-color, four-section format. Included is a full-page Harvard weather map, showing atmospheric conditions everywhere from the School of Public Health to Harvard Black Rock Forest, and a rundown of the top news house by house. Says actress Joan Collins, "Harvard Today's Life section separates the facts from the gossip, and the men from the boys."
NOVEMBER
* 4, Tuesday--Joseph Kennedy II wins seat in Massachusetts's 8th Congressional district.
* 5, Wednesday--Joe Kennedy's aides announce he'll seek the Presidency in '88.
* 6, Thursday--Sen. Edward M. Kennedy '54 (D-Mass.), saying he never ruled out running for vice president, announces he will be number-two man on the Kennedy-Kennedy ticket.
* '9, Wednesday--Arthur J. Moneybags VI is stripped of his one-week-old membership in the prestigious Porcellian Club, when it discovers that Moneybags Petroleum Co. has filed for Chapter 77 bankruptcy in Houston. "This is no downscale frat," sniffs a Porc spokesman.
* 23, Saturday--Harvard comes back in the last five minutes to beat Yale, 66-2, in a close-fought Stadium battle. Harvard shares the Ivy title with Columbia.
* 25, Monday--Moneybags Manufacturing Co. announces that it has began a hostile takeover bid for the Porcellian Club.
DECEMBER
* 10, Wednesday--Vice President George Bush hints to reporters that the administration has a secret new plan to erase the $4 trillion budget deficit, but declines to give details. "It's a nifty plan, boys," Bush boasts.
* 15, Monday--At a private auction in Washington, the Administration sells the National Park system to General Dynamics Corp. and the Supreme Court--along with a 25-year supply of black robes--to Carl Icahn, and sells a 99-year lease on the Department of Health and Human Services to a pan-Arab investment consortium. The total proceeds: $3,999,999,999,999.99.
* 18, Thursday--"Yale Mary", Jean-Luc Godard's controversial sequel to last year's hit "Hail Mary" opens amid virulent protest at the Orson Welles Theatre. The film, featuring Eli Jodie Foster as an undergraduate English major and part-time mother of God, is condemned by President Bok as "flagrant Yale propaganda." Bok adds, "Besides, Princeton is the only Ivy school that can boast a celebrated virgin."