* 20, Thursday--Sixteen hundred freshmen find out they've all been sent to their third choice houses: 847 are assigned to Mather, 762 to Cabot House. A slightly confused Lowell House Master William H. Bossert '59 is quoted as asking, "What was it? Our food?"

* 21, Friday--The March responses from potential Commencement speakers are leaked. Blowing off Harvard this month are: Madonna Louise Ciccone Penn, Cyndi Lauper, Wham!, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Reportedly Twisted Sister and Sheila E. have inquired about playing Class Day gigs. Harvard Alumni Association Executive Director David A. Aloian '49 is in Las Vegas with Wayne Newton filming a Lawrence Welk special and can't be reached for comment.

APRIL

* 9, Wednesday--Six months after its gala opening, the directors of the Sackler Museum announce that they have applied to the city for permission to build a connecting tunnel under Broadway between the Sackler and its mother museum, the Fogg. "We'd model it on the Paris metro system," says a spokesman for the two-toned tower. "Just like that movie, what was it called?"

* 15, Tuesday--Under the direction of new Dean of Admissions Laura G. Fisher, Harvard for the first time ever accepts more women than men. However, the number of alumni offspring accepted is down 10 percent.

* 16, Wednesday--Director of Development Thomas Reardon announces that $268 million of gifts to the Harvard Campaign have been cancelled.

* 21, Monday--Former Crimson Sports Editor Nicholas S. Wurf travels to Duluth, Minn., more than a year after his last visit to that cultural haven, to serve as grand marshal in the city's ticker-tape parade. Having turned down the same offer last year, Wurf says he feels compelled to make the appearance. "My fans, they love me," Wurf grins.

* 29, Tuesday--The list is in. Secretary of Transportation Elizabeth Dole, and husband Senate majority leader Bob Dole turn down Harvard's offer to serve as co-Commencement speakers.

MAY

* 2, Friday--As of yet, no Commencement speaker has been selected. Finalists are rumored to be: newly appointed Ambassador to Ireland Margaret M. Heckler, former EPA administrator Anne G. Burford, and the Walker family.

* 8, Thursday--Plain old horse steak no longer being chic, the Faculty Club goes bankrupt. McDonald's outbids Wendy's and takes over. New on the menu is the McH.L.T.: They keep the horse side hot and the cool side cool.

* 21, Wednesday--Fed up with attempts to garner a Commencement speaker, and with two weeks remaining, Harvard decides to allow seniors to make suggestions. House committees distribute questionnaires in the dining halls, and the response rate tops that of any other referendum in the last five years.

* 30, Friday--Several hundred festively dressed seniors are suitably distressed when the ship they've commissioned for the Mather House booze cruise, the The Good Times, misses a buoy or two and crashes into the Deer Island sewage plant. City Councilor Alfred E. Vellucci organizes a demonstration in appreciation for the ship's captain.

JUNE

* 5, Thursday--Commencement speaker Winnie Mandela tells an audience of 30,000 that the United States must wake up to reality and stop coddling corporate pseudo-moralists. "You mean there are actually Black South Africans who want divestment?" one Harvard Corporation member is heard to murmur in astonishment. Vice President and General Counsel Daniel Steiner '54 says, "I think the Corporation Committee on Shareholder Responsibility will be reconsidering its position shortly."