Dear Suspicious:

The University is not interested in interfering with moral decisions, be they the decisions of 18 year old Sanskrit majors or 64 year old corporate executives tangoing in South Africa. Remember: just because a University can deny tenure to a Pulitzer Prize winner, it doesn't mean it can serve his 18 year old son a Whiskey Sour.

Fortunately, students do not need to enforce the law behind closed doors--or tight shower curtains.

But if you see him carrying shampoo near the punch bowl at Spring Dinner, call the authorities at once.

Dear Dan:

I am a two hundred fifty pound starting lineman, and last week on the way back from practice, a couple of the guys and I went out to eat some raw meat, and everybody stopped throwing food and one of 'em asked me to join this club. The guys said they just get together and toss balls and girls around. Sounded reeeeeal cool.

The problem is initiation. They called the place a speaker's club so like I thought I'd maybe have to say a few words like coach does back in the locker room. But instead the guys all say I'm going to have to chug for fifteen minutes. What do I do?   --Speechless by the River

Dear Speechless:

Chug milk.

Dear Dan:

I'm scared, frankly.

My stepmother just called to say she'll be coming up for Freshman Parents' Weekend. She's a great woman--she pays for school, books, trips, con traceptives, the phone bill, and my car. But she has a drinking problem, and I don't want to see her drink alone. I heard that she can give me drinks in my room because it's in loco parentis, but there's a problem.

You see my father was lost in the line into Disney World six years and three hundred sixty days ago which means my stepmother will no longer be a legal relative when he's declared dead this week. How can I drink with her?   --Lost in the Legalities

Dear Lost:

No one can excuse a violation of the law, but the University has not adopted a policy of searching students rooms for alcohol or intruding on family gatherings.