A GREAT DEAL of praise has already been lavished on the concerned citizens and legislators who have kindly saved 20-year olds from ruin by raising the the drinking age, and I think it's time we returned the favor.

After everything these conscientious adults have done to protect young people from alcohol, it's obscene to force these elders to keep drinking.

I would now like to propose a national maximum drinking age of 29, effective immediately.

There will, of course, be some arguments against this bold stroke at improving society, but they are easy to overcome.

People may say that this age seems arbitrary, but I assure them that the difference between 29 and 30, or even 35, is no smaller than the gulf between 20 and 21. As was the case with 18-year olds, there will also be a feeling that it is unfair to deprive 30-years olds, who are still young enough to be drafted and sent to war, of the right to drink. This can be solved by allowing adults to drink on Army bases, which will also help boost enlistment. There will be unfortunate cases of Chiefs of Staff who retire after 50 years of service and can't get served in bars, but that's life.

I can already imagine a lot of empty talk among our elders about "adult responsibility", but such an argument is inherently self-defeating.

If we think it's immoral and dangerous to have irresponsible young people running around blasted, then what about middle-aged professionals? Do we want doctors and business leaders stumbling around in a stupor, sewing people's lips to their armpits or accidentally diyesting from South America? Certainly not. These people have too many "adult responsibilities" to be out there drinking.

Retired people should not be exempt from this legislation, either. They have shuffleboard and Miami; they should be happy with that. What can they do when they're drunk, anyway?

Another reason for the maximum drinking age is to keep alcohol away from politicians. Obviously, there's been too much drinking going on in Washington. If you disagree with this premise, then how do you explain the fact that there are $600 thumbtacks in use in the Pentagon?

DRINKING and voting.

They probably thought they were buying Star Wars equipment when they took that bid. If you catch Congress on a Saturday night, they'll probably agree to anything short of a pay cut.

Have you ever wonder why Congress shifted its postion on aid to the contras so quickly?

I can see what the House looked like the morning Daniel Ortega went to Moscow. Lying around on the benches, someone looked at a paper, and staggered to his feet:

"Uh-oh, Tip. It says here this guy's a pinko. We didn't cut aid to the rebel after we played quarters last night, did we?"

435 cups of coffee later, Congress had changed its mind.