4 The John F. Kennedy School of Government receives a manila envelope containing $4 million in deutschmarks and a hand-lettered note signed by "a bunch of crazy, swinging Argentinian guys." The note asks the school to accept the donation and build a Joseph Goebells Memorial Speech-Writing Library. The school accepts the money. Dean Ira Jackson explains. "If we reject this money, we might offend other potential donors. Right?"
6 Harold L. Goyette, director of the University Planning Office, discloses that Holyoke Center, built in 1965, will have to be abandoned over the summer, due to rusting steel fins that threaten to collapse any day. "Oops," Goyette says.
16 California Gov. Edmund G. Brown Jr. says he will wed singer Linda Ronstadt in September Three days later, the entire state breaks away from the rest of the country and sinks into the Pacific Ocean. The Los Angeles Dodgers immediately announce the signing of submarine pitcher Ted Abernathy.
September
9 Alan Heimert, master of Eliot House, tells residents of that House that he has restricted access to their dining hall to only blonde-haired males carrying squash racquets. The chairman of the Eliot House Committee explains that the action has been taken for the protection of the vacationing Reza Pahlevi. Heimert declines to confirm or deny the explanation.
15 The BostonRed Sox, in an austerity move, trade sluggers Carlton Fisk. Fred Lynn and Dwight Evans, along with their entire starting pitching staff, to the Montreal Expos for utility infielder Coco LaBoy and an organist to be named later. Managing general partner Haywood Sullivan denies that the players were traded because of any personality disputes. Gov. Edward J. King retaliates by sending in 2500 storm troopers to "desensitize" the area around Fenway Park, and raises the drinking age in the area to 57. "The people have spoken, and they're ripshit," King says.
22 Famed Cambridge restauranteur Thomas Stefanian reveals a stunning set of price increases at his Mt. Auburn St. luncheonette, which includes 40 per cent across-the-board hikes on all grill foods. "I had to keep up with OPEC," Stefanian says, inadvertently revealing the secret of his tasty subs.
30 Quincy House disappears during a rainstorm. The unmolested House is found in a wooded area near Waltham several days later. "I thought I told those guys on the sixth floor to stop partying so hard on Wednesday nights," Master Charles Dunn says.
October
7 In a move of unprecedented boldness, the Student Assembly issues a blanket endorsement of "student fun." The legislation, the first to pass the fledgling government, calls on the University to "recognize the students' inalienable right to fun," and demands that the Committee on Houses and Undergraduate Life form a subcommittee to study the fun problem. President Bok, reached in the Bahamas, where he is vacationing with his family, admits "It's a difficult problem."
16 The Harvard Business School reveals that unnamed sources have donated $1 million to establish the Watergate Chair of Creative Banking and that Maurice C. Stans will fill the chair for the next academic year. The source of the donation is traced to a small general store near San Diego.
24 Robert S. Brustein says he will not come to Harvard unit the spring of 1986, and that he will not take over the Loeb until "people start acting like they love me more." Labor czar Wayne Woodrow "Killer Woody" Hayes replies that he will appeal to the National Labor Relations Board to void the "adoration clause" in Brustein's contract.
November
5 The Advisory Committee on Shareholder Responsibility, upon completion of one-year, case-by-case investigation of Harvard's holdings in South Africa, announces in its report that "the white minority regime in South Africa is composed mainly of very nasty people," but declines to urge any specific divestitures. President Bok hails the report as a sensitive treatment of what he calls a "difficult problem."
20 Harvard football coach and labor relations czar Wayne Woodrow "One-Punch Woody" Hayes resigns. Hayes denies that either the football team's 47-3 loss to Yale, or the simultaneous strikes staged by dining hall workers, printers, Building and Grounds custodians and University police had anything to do with his departure. "I've had plenty of other offers," he growls.
23 Dean Rosovsky, in an interview in People magazine, amplifies on his decision last year to reject the proferred presidencies of Yale and the University of Chicago. "Those other schools are nice," he says, "but Harvard is mine. Kind of an investment for the kids, you know--the mortgage is sort of high, but in 417 years it'll all be paid off." President Bok, apprised of Rosovsky's remarks, admits that "It's a difficult problem."
December
4 Doubleday Corporation discloses that it has signed a contract with John LeBoutellier '76 for his new tell-all book about the liberal establishment and its perverse dining habits, tentatively titled Harvard Hates Asparagus.
9 Gov. Edward J. King, acting in the advice of U.S. Atty. Gen--designate Wayne Woodrow "Hang 'Em High" Hayes, withdraws the last of the state troops who had closed the University in February, but raises the state drinking age in the Square 67 as a "stabilizing measure." "The people," he warns University officials, "are still speaking."
31 A cashiers check for $2 million is deposited in the Yard by a luminous, cigar-shaped object that swallows four University policemen before taking off from the top of Grays Hall. Accompanying the check is a note asking the Law School to establish a Remulac Library of Extra-Terrestrial Studies. Dean Albert M. Sacks announces that the Law School will accept the donation, "for fear of offending future donors, and their android assistants." President Bok, quivering noticeably, says, "Problem? What problem? No, no problem at all around here. What makes you think we've got a problem?