May

3 The Yale Daily News reports that Yale President A. Bartlett Giamatti agreed to trade the Yale Repertory Company to Harvard for Government Professor Samuel P. Huntington, $250,000 in cash, and the Morton Prince House, currently on casters. "Harvard wanted a first-rate drama school, and we were strapped for cash. Huntington was a last-minute throw-in," Giamatti explains.

8 President Bok's office announces that Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada will be this year's Commencement speaker. "We know we'll take a lot of heat for this," an unnamed Corporation official states, "but Idi was the only black African leader we could get to defend our investments policy."

9 Arnold "Red" Auerbach, general manager of the Boston Celtics, dismisses player-coach Dave Cowens, after the team fails to make the NBA playoffs for the second straight year. Auerbach confirms rumors that the team would like to replace Cowens with Harvard football czar and employee relations expert Wayne Woodrow "Icepick Woody" Hayes. "I mean with Kermit Washington gone we need someone with a good right hook," Auerbach says, between puffs of his cigar.

25 The entire faculty of the Kennedy School of Government submits a petition to President Bok calling for the renaming of the Engelhard Library. In an early morning press conference, Bok says, "It's a difficult issue that should be given careful consideration and open, reasoned debate. In fairness to both sides, we should consider all aspects of the controversy, and allow all opinions to be aired. As reasonable men, we cannot be rushed into any decision. Yep, it's a difficult problem." Daniel Steiner '54, Bok's interpreter, translates this statement as "No."

June

4 China watchers in Peking say that wall posters there seem to indicate a further liberalization of attitudes toward the West. One poster depicts a cadre of rice growers singing. "You deserve a break today," in an apparent shift from the past party line.

6 Class Day Speaker Jerry van Dyke urges graduating members of the Class of '79 "do whatever you want to do as long you don't lose your sense of humor." Van Dyke--a last-minute stand-in for Leon Spinks, who misses the ceremony because of what his manager calls "transportational and chemical difficulties"--tells the Class the "I'm so hungry, I haven't had a bite in weeks." He is rushed to Stillman Infirmary after being bitten by Dean Rosovsky.

7 President Bok confers honorary degrees at Commencement on Harold Robbins, John Belushi, Halston, Dennis Kucinich, Cheryl Tiegs, Julius Erving, Erica Jong, John Wayne Gacy, Amy Carter and the Bee Gees. The Corporation also reportedly offers degrees to the Rev. Jim Jones and former President Harry S Truman, who decline to attend the ceremony.

30 President Carter cancels meetings with Congressional leaders and Secretary of State Cyrus Vance because of a renewed flare-up of hemorrhoids. "Seems the little buggers have been born again," Press Secretary Jody Powell explains.

July

1 The Summer School opens with its largest student body ever. Michael Shinagel, director of the Summer School, reveals that 74 per cent of the enrollees have yet to attain puberty. "Welcome to Camp Harvard," Shinagel grins.

8 In a surprise move, the Sacred College of Cardinals concludes the lengthiest conclave of this century by naming Rev. Peter J. Gomes, minister in Memorial Church, as the 265th pontiff. Gomes, the first black, non-Catholic Pope in recent memory, moves to demonstrate his fidelity to the developments in the Church in the past 105 years, and choose the name Leo Pius Benedict Pius Pius John Paul John Paul John Paul I, after his nine immediate predecessors.

21 Adm. Stansfield Turner, director of Central Intelligence, discloses that since 1954 the Harvard Government Department has been funded entirely by his agency. In what Turner calls a move toward "a newer, friendlier spy network," Dean Rosovsky announces that three Government chairs will be renamed National Security Professorships of Government. "This simply reaffirms our longstanding philosophy," says Department Chairman Sidney P. Verba '53, donning mirrored sunglasses.

August