Harvard Police Chief Frank J. Weissbecker announces the introduction of a "Police Soybeanization Program." In his first directive, the new top cop announces that all police handguns will be modified to fire .38-caliber soybeans.
1600-odd seniors graduate from Harvard College, trampling and tearing up the carefully and expensively manicured lawns of Harvard Yard in the process. In his Commencement Address, Freddie Laker comments, "The line for the airbus forms right behind the Phi Beta Kappa procession." Honorary degrees are awarded to John Travolta, Nona Hendryx, Alex Haley, Jann Wenner, Larry Flynt, and Jack Ford. The highlight of the ceremony is a stand-off duel between the clam serving as Mayor of Cambridge and the "rootless" Yale Bladderball.
July
Summer school enrollment soars to 20,000. Administrators attribute the dramatic increase to Harvard's reputation and quality of instruction. Other observers, however, suggest the increase is due to the increased admission of high school students struggling to get into the college and to a surge of interest in Ukranian studies.
August
President Derek Bok announces a clambake for Cambridge senior citizens in Harvard Yard. The Mayor of Cambridge says he is "not amused" and announces the formation of a "clamshell alliance" in response to Bok's announcement.
September
James C. Thompson, curator of the Nieman Fellows, announces the selection of this year's fellowship recipients. The winners include William Colby. Richard Helms, Jason Robards, John Travolta, Chuck Barris, KAL, Peter Marshall, Paul (Secret Square) Lynde, and Buffalo Bob Smith.
In the wake of recent articles decrying the shortage of forensic pathologists in America, a survey of the freshman class reveals that 90 per cent are both pre-med and pre-law.
October
Harvard Dean Henry Rosovsky turns down the directorship of Romper Room, citing his commitment to the reform of undergraduate education at Harvard "at this time." The toddlers do not seem very disappointed, however; as one observes, "We can always go with James Q. Wilson."
The Faculty votes to restrict enrollment in the Economics, Biology, Biochemistry, Government, and English Departments to 15. Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield '53 praises the move, adding. "Maybe they'll do something about grade inflation."
November
Harvard Medical School researchers announce they have discovered that President Bok is immortal. Bok promptly signs an iron-clad, 90-year contract with the Harvard Corporation. Informed of the moaning noises emanating from University Hall, Bok sneers, "Let Hank put this in his pipe and smoke it."
The South African government defaults on its loans, producing a financial crash on Wall Street. David Rockefeller is caught trying to smuggle 20,000 krugerrands through customs on his way to the Bahamas.
December
In the wake of the South African government's bankruptcy, the Harvard Corporation agrees to divest its stock in banks doing business with the now-defunct regime. A member of the Harvard-Radcliffe South African Solidarity Committee comments: "Shows what students can do when they organize."
Dean Rosovsky announces that he is leaving Harvard to assume the presidency of the Hebrew University in Jeruselem. Reached for comment, he says, "I'm sick of that undergraduate education dreck. Let Derek deal with it."
Despite repeated warnings from the Cambridge Experiment Review Board (CERB), a team of Harvard biologists presses on with what it calls "ground-breaking" experiments using even more obscure strains of E. coli recombinant DNA. At 11:30 on December 31, the head of the research team announces that "a cancer cure may be only fifteen minutes away." At midnight, he turns into a pumpkin.
And how was your year?