New York openings: Former President Pusey, feeling sharp chest pains, is rushed to Our Lady of Academic Freedom Hospital, where, upon operating, doctors discover his vest is malignant. It is removed.

October--(Grease)

Eugene McCarthy calls a press conference in Las Vegas (where he is reading his poetry at the Sands Hotel) to announce that he will "probably run for president." Informed that the conventions are already over, McCarthy--tightly controlled outrage sweeping for a moment over his tired and anxiety-ridden face--urges citizens to "write in my name if you feel like it." Rebutting the charge that his campaign is "diffident", McCarthy declares that if he does not win, he will "send hordes of greasy youngsters out to attack the system." However, Morris Abram Jr., president of Greasy Youngsters for Meaningless Platitudes, says he will "only support a candidate whose positions are in the best interest of mankind." James Reston editorializes, following an exclusive four-hour interview and acupuncture session with Abram, "Youth Today forces all of us to aspire to the highest standard."

Jackie divorces Aristotle Onassis "as a protest against the repressive policies of the current Greek regime." Below she is seen nightclubbing in New York with new beaux (l. to r.) RICHARD DALEY, S.I. HAYAKAWA and FRANCISCO FRANCO.

November--(Game)

On the eve of election day, Nixon announces Phase XLIII of his economic game plan, in which the calendar will be rearranged so as to have "Christmas every other day and Valentine's Day in between" in order to stimulate the economy, especially the sagging greeting card industry. "We will put a surcharge on misery and devalue want and deprivation of all sorts," the President rhetoricizes as thousands of militant turkeys and Easter rabbits storm the White House to protest the elimination of their holidays. The turkeys threaten court action. At left WILLIAM KUNSTLER, lawyer for the turkeys (with CHARLES NESSON, ALAN DERSHOWITZ and LEONARD BOUDIN, representing the bunny rabbits in background), declares, "We are in consultation with the reindeer and other oppressed beasts to examine what we can do together to fight this racist, sexist, humanist plan."

At Harvard, Kunstler enlists the aid of Irven Devore, who writes in the current National Geographic that if we start giving intelligence tests to animals the turkeys will soon take over the world. One hundred seven faculty members sign a petition written by Archibald Cox urging that Devore be fired or censured and attributing the turkey test scores to "cultural conditioning." Asked why he no longer supported the right of any professor to publish his theories, Cox said he merely objected to the publication of such controversial ideas in a mass magazine without testing them first in a scholarly journal such as the Atlantic Monthly. "Besides which--Good heavens, man!--last time they were theories we agreed with."

Meanwhile presidential assistant Walter Leonard releases statistics indicating that turkeys receive full and equal compensation at all levels of Harvard employment. "Some of our most distinguished professors are turkeys," he says proudly.

December--(Stasis)

In art unexpected high-level policy switch, the sun takes up revolving around the earth. Informed sources report that even the CIA was caught off-guard, quoting the director as saying. "This is the first counter-revolution in years we didn't finance." John Kenneth Galbraith calls the unexpected turn of events" positively medieval.'

As thanks for his overwhelming re-election Nixon offers his grandson, John Foster Cox, as a sacrifice to the Sun God, and soon things are back to normal. The President announces that the American presence in Vietnam will soon be almost eliminated "except for several dozen scattered stockpiles of tactical nuclear weapons and 150,000 U.S. troops necessary to protect them from Communist aggression."