May--(Surprise)

Chou En Lai comes to Washington to celebrate May Day with President Nixon. As a prank following the passing a ceremonial opium pipe, Tricia sends two Secret Service men to switch off William O. Douglas's pacemaker. Douglas goes into a coma and retires indignantly from the court. After a brief but heart-felt search by Attorney General Mitchell for a "Black Jewish woman Southern conservative," Nixon announces the appointment of John Dunlop to fill the empty seat, saying, "His work with the building trade industry has earned Professor Dunlop a well-deserved reputation as a strict constructionist." Roman Hruska declares, "He's not as mediocre as I would have liked, but he sure can belt bourbon."

June--(Transition)

Harvard's 336th commencement is marred when the Science Center becomes unglued and topples into the glee club. George Wald, pretty much unglued himself, attempts to gain the stage in order to refuse an honorary degree, declaring "irrelevant and obfusticatory" the fact that he is not being offered one. Above RUTH HUBBARD (in macrobiotic suit) is dragged along the ground as she grasps the ankles of husband GEORGE WALD (under shaft of heavenly light) while SERAPHIM and CHERUBIM (left) and HARVARD UNIVERSITY POLICE (right) fight for control of the body, attempting to transport it to their respective headquarters. With the traditional Commencement oratory flourishes tempered by what Newsweek will next week label (in its cover story) "the new frankness among college presidents", President Bok does award honorary degrees to: Kingman Brewster ("...for dedicated service to scholarship and mankind..."), H. Ross Perot ("...because he is rich...") and Beverly Sills ("...we needed a woman...").

Bok also announces several surprise appointments: Charles P. Whitlock, Archie C. Epps and Hilary Putnam to be co-Deans of Harvard College and Gloria Steinem to be president of Radcliffe ("that's about 2.5 to 1, isn't it?"); and Martin Peretz to be vice president for development. "Marty's a great scholar and fundraiser," Bok says, "so as long as McCarthy doesn't run again and there's peace in the Middle East, we should have nachas for a long time to come."

July--(Prisoners)

Harvard buys back Dick Hyland from Mexican authorities in exchange for John Womack and Barbara Solomon.

Bob Hope buys back American POWs from North Vietnam in exchange for two Boeing 747s (with coach lounge and piano bar), 500 crates of Gatorade and Dick Hyland. On opposite page, HOPE, JILL ST. JOHN, HENRY KISSINGER, DANIEL ELLSBERG and JULIE NIXON EISENHOWER board plane on way to entertain U.S. troops in Dacca.

Richard Daley declares martial law in Miami and tries to arrest the entire Democratic convention when, after 134 ballots, it nominates Jerry Rubin for President. Vice Presidential nominee Larry DiCara attempts to sooth Daley, citing the need for "ethnic balance". Declaring that "extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice," Rubin says he will campaign on a radical platform of "ecological concern, cursing home reform and automobile safety."

At the Republican convention Nixon dumps Spiro and nominates Pat for Vice President. He explains, "Ever since Checkers died she's the only one I can trust."

August--(Aesthetics)

The Fogg unveils its latest acquisition, a 20-foot-long historical mural by Andy Warhol entitled "The Conversion of Daniel Ellsberg" (ultimately to go on permanent exhibit in the lobby of Littauer Center when it becomes a daycare facility following the opening of the Kennedy School some time in 1993), in conjunction with the world premier of the film version of the Pentagon Papers, starring George Jessel as Walt Rostow and John Wayne as Volume One.

Also from Hollywood, the Harvard Admissions Committee announces it has hired Otto Preminger to produce a new Harvard promotional film to replace "Experience," entitled, "Tell Me That You Love Me, Derek Bok". (Informed sources report this is in reaction to a Yale announcement that it has hired Ken Russell to produce a movie of "Dink Stover at Yale" starring Twiggy as Dink Stover at Yale" starring Twiggy as Dink and Glenda Jackson as Kingman Brewster.) On frontispiece we see CHASE PETERSON (in madras sunglasses) and PREMINGER examining mockups of Kirkland House and Arthur Smithies, recreated on a studio back lot.

September--(Openings)

The opening of school and the opening of the football season. Charles Eliot Norton Professor Leonard Bernstein arrives for his series of guest lectures. At noon on registration day Bernstein leaps from an airplane circling over Harvard Yard and descends under a scarlet parachute, blowing ecstatic kisses to the crowd below, before landing in the arms of John Harvard. (Or is it John Dunlop? At any rate this large grey figure lounging outside University Hall.) One week later the Yard witnesses a slightly less affectionate scene as FELICIA BERNSTEIN (upper left, with Mace) and PRESIDENT BOK (spitting) engage in a kicking, clawing dogfight over whether her announced cocktail party in honor of the H-R Gay Alliance will steal the thunder from his previously planned touch football game with the group. John Dunlop, called back to arbitrate, decides in favor of Derek but gives Felicia possession of the half-time show.