{shortcode-04144d4c36c001f420dfee0eba266d2fb2e824ed}The White House is threatening to take away more than $8 billion in our federal funding if Harvard doesn’t get rid of DEI, ban masks, and make admissions identity-blind. But don’t worry, Alan! Flyby has spent all weekend crunching some numbers, and we figured out where Harvard can trim the fat in its budget to take these funding cuts in stride.

$1B: No chairs at Convocation or Commencement.

The sea of white plastic chairs in Tercentenary Theater exudes the opulence and grandeur that we’ve come to expect from Harvard. But when push comes to shove, we can sit on the ground. We’d save on both chair rentals and the employees who set them out. Easy $1B back into our pockets.

$1B: No more Red Spice.

We all love Red Spiced Chicken. But we all have to make sacrifices. If we get rid of our sky-high Red Spice budget, we can fund a little more cancer research. Might be a polarizing change with some backlash, but tough decisions don’t come without consequences.

$1B: No more mousetraps.

The rats are going to love this announcement. No matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to get rid of pests in the dorms. So, one must imagine Sisyphus giving up.

$1B: Sell the Science Center Orb.

Ok, real talk, does anyone know what’s up with that orb? What is it for? Is there any reason we can’t slap the Harvard label on it and sell it for a billion dollars?

$1B: Stop Smith Center lo-fi.

Nobody likes the music playing in Smith Commons — it makes it impossible to get work done, and everybody is wearing headphones anyway. We can stop paying for Spotify Premium, which, as we all know, is one billion dollars.

$1B: Rent Tasty Basty and upcharge prefrosh during Visitas.

There must be a reason upperclassmen try this every year. If our revenues haven’t jumped by a billion dollars by the end of Visitas, we could always pivot to charging people to see the inside of Berg. Going rate’s ten dollars a second.

$1B: Sell House naming rights to the highest bidder.

This won’t be controversial. At all.

$1B: Add tariffs on senior sales.

As we all know, tariffs are universally good. So let’s put some of Harvard’s free-market trade to good use and tax all the third-hand clothing and used plastic bins flowing from House to House.

$1B: Get rid of hot breakfast.

Let’s be real, they want to do this anyway.

To be clear — yes, we have verified that each and every one of these small budget changes will save the university one billion dollars. And this way, we don’t have to get rid of DEI, which surely is integral to the Intellectual Vitality we hold so dear! Right? Right, Harvard?