{shortcode-be41c1923dcb4139509b55a1341f1e39c17eccb0}With Visitas right around the corner, I started reminiscing about my first impression of Harvard’s campus when I arrived for my class’s Visitas. It was a little underwhelming, to be honest. But the one thing that continues to make me kick my feet in glee — like trust fund babies talking about clawing their way to the top despite all odds — is the ever-intriguing fever dream that is the tourists: easily my favorite Harvard NPCs. Through all my interactions with tourists, I’ve noticed that they tend to fall into specific spawn types, which I’ve decided to rank in order of how much I love them.
Number Five: The Gate Wanderers
Coming in at number five, we have the honestly not-so-common Gate Wanderers. These spawn types just appear, asking you where they can find “the Gate.” The thing is, I’m honestly not entirely certain which gate they’re referring to (there’s like 25 of them). I’d like to think it would be Johnston, but one spawn I encountered made it known that it was not, in fact, the correct gate. Maybe Widener? Or maybe not, who knows? I kind of enjoy not knowing (#outofsightoutofmind, or whatever Facebook moms say). I usually just end up directing them vaguely toward Widener and going about my day — just a 4/10 experience.
Number Four: The Statue Touchers
In fourth place, we have the one we all know and (don’t) love, the Statue Touchers. Every time I pass by a group of Statue Toucher spawns with their small toddlers, I shudder at their ignorance to the various forms of precipitation experienced by the statue. I always think about telling them… but never do, and I just think that’s so fun. I give them a solid 5/10.
Number Three: The Videographers
At number three, we have the Videographers. This spawn is separated into two subtypes: the Silly Videographers and the Freaky Videographers. The Silly Videographers are the ones who walk around with GoPros or have their camera on a 20-foot tripod for no real reason. They don’t even take that many pictures (they’re not like other girls), they just record as they amble around. They’re so odd. Maybe it’s a special interest. While their antics are entertaining, they tend to be a little overshadowed by the other type of Videographers — 7.5/10.
The second group is the Freaky Videographers. These are the Videographer spawns that go out of their way to specifically record students. As with most tourists, they are completely unapologetic and unbothered. While walking through the Yard one time, this guy just pointed his camera at my friends and me, panning it across and following us as we walked by. I was so confused. It was so blatantly obvious and nonchalant that I actually questioned if it had even happened. Brother freaked so hard, I started gaslighting myself. Anyways, 8/10.
Number Two: The Library Edgers
Coming in at number two, we have the Library Edgers. Yes, you read that correctly. These desperate spawns are so fun to watch. They go up the stairs, try to enter Widener, and are immediately turned away. I love them and I hope they never change – 9/10.
Honorable Mentions:
Before we get to number one, I wouldn’t be fulfilling my journalistic duties if I were to have left out some very prominent but ineligible-via-technicality spawns. Here are some beloved honorable mentions.
The Influencers
These spawns either show up, talk in an overexcited 2016-YouTube voice about their mentoring business, or interview students to post on their TikTok for their followers to comment either general Harvard glaze or that the student must have been a diversity admit, aka “How did THEY get in, and not me?!!” The Influencers would have been on the list if it weren’t for the fact that the majority of the time, they’re other students. Anyways, just an average day in the life of a Harvard student ranking tourists by how silly I think they are!! — 3/10.
The Bourgeoisie
Have you ever taken a casual weekday vacation to visit Ivy League schools in the middle of October? No? Brokie. They spend their time doing sophisticated things, like showing their first grader what school they’re going to when they’re older and scouting out the location of the building they’re donating to the university. They also just kind of look at you funny sometimes. Like, you’re the one having your kid touch the golden bronze foot of someone who isn’t even John Harvard, calm down. The only reason they’re not on the list is that they also tend to be students. Top 1%/10.
Number One: The Illiterate
Finally, at number one can only be the Illiterate. These spawns like to stand right outside of Annenberg, taking pictures right next to the sign informing them that they aren’t allowed to go in any further. Once they walk past the sign, they either decide to just look around and stand randomly, or they try to make their way inside. The brave spawns will ask students to hold the door so that they can get a peek inside, while others will skip that step and head right in. It is always quite enjoyable to see the Illiterate endure the mighty wrath of Annenberg staff, who are quite sassy in their dealings with them. Always a pleasure to watch, 10/10.
With all the new victims first-years (and prefrosh!) who will be arriving on campus soon, I hope this article helps them set their expectations for life in the Yard. The three or so first-years who might end up reading it before getting here, that is. To those three, I hope you find as much joy in the tourists as I do. Unless you go to Boston Latin; then I’m almost 90 percent certain you were, at one point in time, one of the spawns on this list.