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Waking up at home the day after I finished clawing my way through finals was a relief. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the breeze was not frigid cold — and oh, what’s that? I was in a bed that was actually comfortable?! Needless to say, I had no more alarms blaring at 8 a.m., no more readings haunting me, and no need to frantically sprint across campus in the freezing cold for a Gen Ed that was supposed to be a gem but instead was the hardest class I had. Just me, my thoughts, and an empty Canvas To Do page.

Home smelled like fresh homemade food, specifically my mom’s steak quesadillas. It sounded like my chihuahua barking at absolutely nothing. It felt like the warmth of the holidays — family, holiday decorations, and the temporary bliss of pretending that Harvard doesn’t exist.

But fear not. Harvard will find you.

Almost every day of break, the email flood continued.

“Apply for Summer Funding!” “Exciting Internship Opportunity!” “Are you thinking about your post-grad career?” Why are you reminding me about internship opportunities on January 1st?! Can I not enjoy the new year in peace???

Plus, the whole “home for the holidays” is relaxing until it isn't. At first, it’s nice to see your old friends, catch up, and maybe even reminisce on high school memories. But then the questions start:

“So, how’s Harvard? Is it like Legally Blonde?” No. “Have you met anyone yet?” Sort of. But no. “What are you doing with your life?” …That’s actually a great question.

And with just one simple reunion, the existential dread starts to creep in. The productivity guilt gets to you. Depending on when your final exams are scheduled, you have at least a full four weeks of break. That’s enough time to actually rest and recharge, right? Wrong.

Attending a school like Harvard means you are never really on break. Subconsciously you’re thinking about what you’re going to do this summer. Maybe your plans include updating your resume, making a list of what summer opportunities you’re going to apply to, or writing your senior thesis. (But if you’re like me, your greatest accomplishment was getting to season six of The Nanny.)

The thing is, winter break is so long (imo) that, for a while, nothing happens. No deadlines, no club meetings, not even the comforting stress of a last-minute pset. This inevitably leads to me feel that I should be doing something. It feels like Harvard has wired me to thrive in the chaos consisting entirely of due dates and finals and sadness, and without it, I’m just existing. Never actually resting.

And just when I want to be productive, the semester is already hurtling toward me at full speed. My brain has to go from zero to more than 500 pages of readings in an instant (the joy of a humanities concentration). The transition is so jarring that I almost miss the peaceful nothingness of doing absolutely nothing. Almost.

So, is winter break a blessing or a curse? A saving grace or a time of unproductive stress? Honestly, it’s a break we desperately need but never truly take. Probably because we don’t know how.