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Hi, everybody! I’m so excited for you all to be reading this article. To introduce myself: I’m Charlotte, and I’m a first-year in Canaday concentrating in Applied Math.

…Yawn. I’m surprised you’re still here. Even I got bored writing that, and trust me, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who likes talking about herself more than me.

As a Harvard community, we need to do better. I have yet to find the person responsible for instating this bland introductory template (stay tuned), but believe me, when I do, we’re going to have a chat. Absolutely nobody likes using it, and even fewer people like hearing it.

At the end of the day, though, I get it. We can’t all be social butterflies, and it’s all too easy to fall back into the comfort and familiarity of the name-house-concentration-hometown feedback loop. So, to make things easier on everybody, I thought I’d propose some alternatives to spice things up a bit:

1. How many BoardPlus dollars you have remaining

This can tell you a lot more about a person than the house they happen to live in. After all, anyone could be in Dunster, but only a select few have already cashed out their entire $65. Not to mention, how frugal the stranger you just met in your section chooses to be can say a lot about their fiscal responsibility. Perks of using this salutation: potentially taking advantage of a friend’s underutilization of their BoardPlus.

2. Your go-to dining hall fruit

While this greeting may yield limited responses (after all, how much fruit do we really consume on the daily??), it certainly invokes more conversation than saying you’re an Econ concentrator. Consider: if your friend says they like kiwis, ask them if they eat the skin. I’ve personally engaged in riveting conversations on this very topic.

3. Whether or not you’ve touched John Harvard’s foot

This is pretty self-explanatory. Albeit borderline taboo, it’s important to know what kind of person you’re dealing with. If your companion’s response is “yes,” though, I do implore you to ask at what age that ghastly tragedy occurred. After all, we can’t be faulting people for their misgivings as a five-year-old. But if they say last week… consider swiping left on your friendship. Or telling them that if you say “green beans” fast enough, it starts to sound like the word “gullible.”

4. Your study spot of choice

Widener has class; the Science Center does not. Watch out for the Lamonsters — I’m pretty sure they feed on other students’ anxiety. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find a new, underground location to crank out those psets. Regardless, this greeting is a great way to meet people that frequent the same spots as you and ensure you’ll always have someone to smile at during dark, dark times.

5. Where you tell people you go to college

Is the person you’re talking to a straight shooter (i.e. “Harvard”), or are they one of those people? We’re not “a small liberal arts school in Boston,” guys. Honestly, it’s easy to come across as more pretentious with a start like that. Minus for this salutation: awkward to get going, and leaves a large possibility for misrepresentation. Potential aura loss.

6. Your snack source

Let’s face it: you kind of have to outsource to get legitimate snacks around here. A valid objection to this greeting might be that too many people go to Trader Joe’s, but to that I say: the more, the merrier. When it comes to Trader Joe’s, there exists an infinite amount of subject matter. #notsponsored.

All jokes aside, it’s time to move past the monotonous introductions that have come to dominate club meetings, slideshow presentations, lecture encounters, and the like. If you’re even half as passionate about change as I am, try giving one of these a go every once in a while. You never know what could come of it.

Sincerely,

$65 BoardPlus left :)