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Harvard’s decided to crack down on hazing under a new federal law. Blindfolds, drinking, and a conga line? That’s worth a suspension, according to the College. Now that to me just sounds like a boring Saturday night on campus. (Don’t judge.) So, I’ve decided to compile a list, in lieu of a formal complaint, of Harvard experiences that should now be designated as hazing. Maybe we could suspend them, too.

Chem 17 Midterm
Sleep deprivation? Check. Emotional damage? Check. An unavoidable initiation into the pre-med lifestyle? Check. I studied for nearly 20 hours in three days for one singular test — and was still thrown for a loop. The course in question is known as a “weeder class,” and I’m pretty sure it deliberately tries to be exclusive… What happened to our community’s value of belonging? In fact, all midterms and finals, everywhere, equate my self-worth with a number.

SEC Walk
Whose bright idea was it to create a class building 30 minutes away from campus? And then we’re going to send every student who takes an engineering-adjacent class on a trek to Allston? Couple that with an unreliable shuttle service (do better, PassioGo) and it becomes a physical challenge students must embark on unwillingly, rain or shine.

Icebreaker Questions
From section meetings to entryway study breaks, why do I always have to search the depths of my soul for two truths and a lie? I swear my life becomes instantly uninteresting the moment I am asked for my rose, bud, and thorn. And yet, answer this question I must, to a conglomerated mass of my peers (all of whom are clearly judging me). Will I be considered cool enough to warrant a knowing smile or even a passing moment of steady eye contact? Only my next words will tell.

Paying for Laundry
I’ve spoken on it before and I’ll speak on it again. Charging $1.75 per load is like forcing me to cough up my lunch money or spend the next week wallowing in enforced smelliness. Feed into the Harvard bureaucracy, or risk losing all your friends because they won’t sit next to you in lecture.

Interhouse Dining Restrictions
This one involves the withholding of food, coupled with personal embarrassment as I once again beg to be let into the Eliot Inn during lunch. I once told my friend that Harvard has 13 dining halls but we could only go to one, and they were flabbergasted. But alas, my Cabot laptop sticker marks me as definitively not a member of Eliot, and my apparent lack of a Fete invite or guest swipe makes my Eliot-friendless state a barrier between me and my lunch.

Hazing is serious business and no laughing matter. Harvard’s initiation rites, on the other hand, are hopefully worth a few laughs — and perhaps the courage to stand up to them. Anyone want to join my laundry strike? I’m waiting.

We all know Harvard’s recent hazing crack down has been punitive and wide reaching. Recently, the Harvard-Radcliffe Orchestra has been suspended for blindfolding, drinking, and sharing their hopes and fears. Now that to me just sounds like a boring Saturday night on campus. The level of mental duress this school puts me under far outweighs the pain of being in a conga line during a weekend retreat. So, I’ve decided to compile a list– in lieu of a formal complaint– of Harvard experiences that should be newly considered hazing (and potentially be suspended too).

All jokes aside, hazing is a serious issue on college campuses. The Stop Campus Hazing Act aims to reduce unsafe initiation processes that can be physically, emotionally, and psychologically dangerous to students. Any practices that are determined to be hazing by independent review should be dealt with appropriately. That being said, the next time you find yourself in one of these situations don’t hesitate to speak up!