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As I sit here in my third year at this small liberal arts institution just outside of Boston, I’m nearing the end of my academic career and am forced to confront the looming fate of adulting. So if there is any impact I have on this near-400-year-old place, I want to be remembered as the Flyby writer who forever changed the academic landscape. No years-long, committee-led curriculum review needed: Here’s my take on the new concentrations Harvard needs. For, you know, intellectual vitality.

Expository Studies

For yappers, devil’s advocates, and anyone who believes that argumentation is fun. Born from the ashes of Expos 20 and the adrenaline highs of Expos 40, this concentration trains students to weaponize nuance, constructing elaborate rhetorical pyramids that ultimately lead our society nowhere, but nonetheless, looking brilliant doing it. Here, every opinion is aggressively qualified, every thesis is bold, and no sentence ends without a caveat. Ideal for students who say “I just think it’s interesting…” as a threat, and for anyone whose toxic trait is drafting a counterargument in their head before the other person has finished talking.

Natural Studies (ESPP 2.0, new and improved)

A modern update to Environmental Science and Public Policy, Natural Studies is for the student who’s less “carbon markets” and more “touch grass.” This concentration centers embodied environmentalism, so think: less lab reports, more launching yourself into hedges at high speeds to truly connect with the foliage. Students will grapple with urgent planetary questions like: What does it mean to vibe sustainably in a post-wild world? Core requirements include “Primal Scream: A Bioacoustic Analysis,” “Applied Bush Jumping,” and “Field Methods in Forest Frolicking.”

Influencer Theory

A major in ring lights and ambiguity. Influenced (literally and figuratively) by my neighbor and the growing number of students quietly becoming media personalities between section and HUDS soft serve, it’s finally time Harvard trends toward modernity. This concentration explores the cultural, economic, and existential implications of life online — blending media studies, sociology, business, and the occasional sponsored beverage haul. Students will interrogate the algorithm as both oppressor and bestie, learn to navigate the ethics of monetizing personality, and write entire theses in the second person. Capstone? Go viral. Sustain it. Survive it.

Applied Vibing

For those whose academic strength lies in appearing intellectually overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. A concentration in philosophy, music theory, nap strategy, and elite-tier performative idleness, Applied Vibing is where the chronically unbothered meet the existentially over-it. The core curriculum includes “The Metaphysics of Looking Like You’re Deep in Thought,” “Postcolonial Lo-Fi Beats to Study and Dissociate To,” and “Matcha: Aesthetic Signaling in the Late Anthropocene.” Students are required to maintain a GPA (General Perception of Aesthetic) of at least 3.7, with regular fieldwork in public spaces like Smith, Blank Street Coffee, and that one sunny patch of grass on MAC Lawn. Ideal for anyone who drinks iced matcha year-round, wears scarves in May, and has a Notes app full of half-written poems and dinner plans they’ll cancel last minute for vibe maintenance.

Temporal Dynamics & Competitive Participation (TDCP)

A concentration for the overstretched, overscheduled, and over-it. TDCP explores the intricate science of saying “yes” to 12 things and doing 5, but doing them so well no one questions your sleep schedule (or your sanity). Students in this concentration are masters of G-cal gymnastics, Canvas tab warfare, and the ancient ritual of comping three publications, two performance groups, and one consulting club — all in the same week. Courses include “Advanced Time Blocking: Theory and Practice,” “Comping and the Competitive Spirit: A Cultural History,” and “The Chaos Seminar (Cross-Listed with Philosophy & Physics).” Final projects must demonstrate either: 1) surviving a semester on less than 12 hours of sleep per week, or 2) successfully explaining your schedule to your parents without crying.

Business

I’m a Government major, but if Harvard offered Business, I’d double major faster than you can say “coffee chat.”

And there you have it! I’ll be waiting for the day that Harvard finds a way to incorporate these concentrations into their handbooks. Until then, I’ll wait for my special concentration application to be approved.