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As a self-proclaimed donut-hater, or simply someone who would never go out of their way to buy one, I decided to team up with a self-proclaimed donut-lover Henry G. Levenson ’28 to uncover some answers to our burning questions. Like the detective Benoit Blanc in Knives Out, we wanted to see whether there was a donut hole inside the donut hole of a mystery that has plagued our campus since the beginning of time: What is the best donut in Harvard Square?

After roaming around and trying five spots around Harvard’s campus, here’s what we’ve found out about local donut delectables:

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The Cheapest: Dunkin’ Donuts

Price: Free

We managed to scrounge up not one, but two, free Dunkin’ donuts through various club events throughout the week. Even if we had gone out of our way and paid for it, Dunkin’ is by far the cheapest option on this list, as a basic donut only costs around 1-2 dollars. We had both a blueberry glazed donut and an original glazed, and while we were impressed by the sugary crust of the blueberry glazed donut, the original donut had a yeasty flavor and a strong, oily taste. Still, as a certified Masshole, Dunkin’ holds a special spot in my heart as a veritable rite of passage for anyone looking to get the full Massachusetts experience. Ideally, you should frequent one until you experience at least one canon traumatic life event there: a breakup, your parents’ divorce, a random person (re: Matt Damon) slamming a piece of paper loudly against the window. Or maybe until you’ve had a sugar high from one donut too many (which, for us, was two).

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The Chewiest: The Dough Club

Price: $4.00

Mochi donuts (not quite mochi, not quite donut) are a staple in the Square. Their eight-part structure enables easy sharing and makes them the perfect dessert for club events, where students often fight like wild mongoose to get a morsel of food. Once, I saw a club rip a mochi donut eight ways. There was blood. I never recovered.

ANWAYS, we were advised to try the Strawberry Mochi Donut, and while it was our favorite dough of the day, the disproportionate amount of artificially-flavored strawberry icing overpowered the nice chewy texture.

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The Good: Blackbird Donuts

Price: $4.28

Blackbird Donuts runs out of a joint sandwich shop with Sally’s Sandwiches, which feels a bit like a 2016, “live laugh love” revamp of those joint KFC-Taco Bell stores. We were intrigued by the eccentric flavors that Blackbird offered (what even is an Everything Bagel Donut?), as well as its monthly rotating menu, but in the end we decided to sample a classic that had been recommended to us: the salted toffee donut. The dough was spongy and cakey, and though we liked the hints of spice in our toffee frosting, the overall taste of the donut felt a bit homogeneous at times. If I were to rank donut stores in order of ‘most likely to create a flavor so bizarre it creates a time rift,’ however? Blackbird is on top!

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The Better: Union Square Donuts

Price: $5.01 [With a special super secret student discount]

Upon walking into this iconic donut shop, we saw a display case full of tall, stunningly decorated donuts (the sunlight shining through the glass case was definitely a paid actor). We had initially been recommended the glittering gold Dubai chocolate donut, but Levenson steered us towards a simpler-looking Brown Butter Hazelnut Crunch. While it wasn’t slathered in food-grade gold paint and shimmering in the sun, the taste was delightful. The donut’s real hazelnut chunks brought a nuttiness that perfectly complemented the butter frosting.We also loved the small bits of vanilla speckled throughout the dough. Overall, it was a delightful balance of textures and tastes. The super-secret-student discount, which the cashier told us about but told us not to tell anyone (and I guess I’m telling you now, so oops) definitely helped sweeten the deal.

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Hidden Gem: Saloniki Donuts

Price: $8.55

While most treat-lovers may know Saloniki as the local Greek chain that gives you free fries and has atrociously long wait times, they also make surprisingly delicious Greek donuts! The staff let us split our plate into two servings so we could try their most popular flavors: dubai chocolate and honey & cinnamon. In preparation for our final round of donut-tasting, we got some water to cleanse our palette and were soon served two steaming plates of fluffy dough balls, which were hot and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside. Though they did leave an oily aftertaste, and felt more like eating a funnel cake than donut, we liked that the donuts were made to order. We even had enough donut bites leftover to share with the table next to us and leave a few miserably on the table. If you’re looking for a more unconventional donut destination, Saloniki might be the place for you!

Did this journey make me more of a donut-lover? Perhaps more appreciative of what a humble holed hunk of bread can offer? All I know is that I have a whole bag of half-eaten donuts sitting in my fridge — and hey, someone’s gotta eat them.

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The mangled remains of our donut excursion. We are unsure of how much sugar was consumed, but it's such a frighteningly high amount that we don't want to question it.