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By: Mark Suckerberg, Mosquito

Let’s just cut to the chase: this was my room first. Believe it or not, my family has a long history at Harvard. My ancestors? They bit John F. Kennedy’s left arm back in the day. My cousins? Penthouse in Dean Khurana’s kitchen cabinet. And you thought you were a legacy kid. Just because you show up here with your Harvard pennant, Target twin XL bed sheets and a Polaroid of your blockmates you’ll inevitably fall out with does not make you the owner of this place. Far from it, actually.

I feel like it’s time to set some boundaries. First of all, the whole swatting and throwing things has to stop. It’s invasive of my personal space. Whatever happened to hello? How are you? My name is? Instead you go straight to the slapping and screaming profanity. Rude.

Oh, and while we’re at it, I feel like you ignore me sometimes. I swear you don’t pay any attention to me when I’m speaking until I’m literally screaming in your ear. Then it’s all “god, the buzzing!” Which, by the way, isn’t the preferred term anymore. It’s generally referred to as “aerodynamic vocalization,” thank you very much.

You humans are all about “using your resources” and “networking,” but when I want to feast on the third guy you brought home this week, suddenly it’s all “respect my space” and “leave me alone." Like sorry for thinking he’s a snack, too. You’re out here climbing the social ladder, and I’m here trying to feast on it. Let’s not pretend we’re so different, babe.

Speaking of relationships, what ever happened to being a girl’s girl? I finally got the courage to invite my girl Beeyoncé home and you go beat her up. Literally. With a shoe. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you’re kind of being a buzzkill. I understand I forgot to ask you before inviting her over, but considering your track record, I figured you’d get it.

Honestly, I could have taken this up with the resident dean but I just feel like Harvard has been generally discriminatory against those with my background. So, I hope you don’t mind me airing our dirty laundry. If you want to talk about this, you know where to find me.