{shortcode-ba77faa9b6f66778c5fa8390da00bee3ce76edff}The whole thing about being gay is, you can’t really do it alone. I can say I’m a lesbian until the day I die, but as long as I’m single, I’m just a girl with a questionable haircut and a carabiner on my (left) belt loop. And no day adds insult to this injury quite like Valentine’s Day.

First of all, who decided that Valentine’s Day merch would share half of its colors with the lesbian flag? Yes, we do own the color pink, thank you very much. Plus, teddy bears holding hearts are inherently sapphic. The masculine bear in a softer, plusher form, holding a classic feminine symbol of love? That’s a masc lesbian.

Additionally, Valentine’s Day removes an advantage lesbians usually have over straight men. Normally, lesbians are much better at being romantic, because we have a better idea of what women enjoy and less toxic masculinity. But on Valentine’s Day, men remember that they’re supposed to bring chocolates to their Valentine, whereas if I do it, it just seems to her like any other Tuesday!

Worst of all, on Valentine’s Day I have to look at straight people more than usual, because they’re all out and about. Ew. Remind me to stay in my dorm on the fateful day.

I’ll stop now, because my dad reads these, and also because if the people on the other side of my internship applications find this by googling my name, I don’t want them to think I’m weird. People are obviously not obligated to date me. But that does not mean that I am not bitter. I am bitter. I’m just saying, I have a lot to offer. Yes, I may have some commitment issues. But clearly I don’t have commitment issues when it comes to THE BIT.

And now, to connect this all to Harvard so that Hana and Tina will put my rant in the feature, which I acknowledge that they have no real reason to do, I will say that I will be doing Datamatch. If you can relate to this article, my DM’s are open, ladies.

(To avoid the predatory lesbian stereotype, I will also say that this is all a joke. Don’t come for me!)