{shortcode-5c56d437efbaca5e3259fc3886b503992b2ab701}Yardfest been letting you down a bit the past few years? Me too, even though I’ve never experienced one. However, I do know exactly what type of Yardfest I want to experience. Stay tuned for the Yardfest of all of our dreams that I better see that $50 billion put toward.

The Opening Acts

Enter opener Olivia Rodrigo. (Damn, she’s just the opener? Yes. This is just the beginning.) Olivia gets the crazy vibes flowing. Everyone’s hype af. But the fun is just beginning.

BOOM. There’s Harry Styles. He performs all of his “Fine Line” album (+ Kiwi, Sign of the Times, etc.) He’s finishing off with “Falling” and — just as we’re all breaking down sobbing – Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Louis come out on stage. THIS is the 1D reunion. RIGHT HERE IN HARVARD YARD. Our tears cease and screaming commences as we witness One Direction perform their biggest hits live.

Our Juicy Headliners

Next up, we have a highly, HIGHLY anticipated act. It’s a rap battle between Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana and University President Larry Bacow! It’s almost a tie, until at the very last possible moment Rakesh whips out a KILLER verse. We are all in awe! Are those tears in Larry’s eyes?

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, Taylor Swift rolls out. The crowd goes wild! She performs literally her entire discography, ending with the 10 minute version of “All Too Well.” Life feels too good to be true! Have you died and gone to heaven?

The ~men~ in the crowd are feeling a little cheated after listening to all of Taylor’s discography. Just as they’re about to leave, Kanye comes out! Hooray? He performs some songs I guess. Kim is on drums. Life is good!

Kanye’s followed by, you guessed it! Actually you probably didn’t. It’s a second Fifth Harmony! Members are Cardi B, Nicki Minaj, Lizzo, Doja Cat, and Megan Thee Stallion. Wow, just wow. They perform some NEVER HEARD BEFORE songs. It KNOCKS. OUR. SOCKS. OFF.

The Ultimate Finale

We’re reaching the end, unfortunately. But we’ve saved the best for last! Enter the most hype finale of all time. The greatest concert of your life concludes with the greatest artist of all time.

There he is!

It’s… No, it can’t be!

Is that who I think it is?

It is! It’s him!

The one and only…

B. o. B.

TEARS OF JOY FLOOD THE CROWD’S FACES. THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF ALL OF OUR LIVES. THERE ARE AIRPLANES IN THE NIGHT SKY. LIKE SHOOTING STARS. OR ARE THOSE OUR TEARS? We’ll never know. All we know is that B.o.B just gave us the grandest finale to the grandest Yardfest we will ever experience. College Events Board — you have your assignment.