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Sure, a select few Harvard students may have significant others (yes, we’ve seen your obnoxiously cute Instagram posts). But the rest of us will be putting all of our hope into computer algorithms and free food for this year’s long-awaited Datamatch. The algorithm only does so much, but with a few quick steps even you, an awkward, washed-up high school valedictorian, can make a Datamatch date successful.

Research the hell out of your date

You’ll basically become a human bot, a walking encyclopedia on their life. This way, you’ll never run out of conversation topics. Get them to talk about their favorite books, the best places they’ve traveled to and, most importantly, why they went to prom with another person in 2014, four years before they even met you. Seriously, is commitment going to be a problem?

Hint that you could be their Harvard Daddy/Mommy

Casually mention the private island you grew up on and don’t forget to namedrop your parents. However, that might alienate the many Harvard students who invest a lot of energy into pretending they’re not snakes, so for now, just promise them a stable future full of free Felipe’s burritos.

Invite them over to “see your common room”

Never mind the fact that you actually live in a hallway double, from which you hastily exiled your roommate just seconds ago via a desperate text. If you’re confident in your ~abilities~ and your date is up for it, why not shed the shyness and start your romance with some passion?

Treat them like trash

In a twisted, masochistic way, we always desire the people who forget about us, never text back, and don’t have time for us. So, go ahead and take advantage of this strange contradiction in human psychology. You’ll have your Datamatch date asking the most quintessential Harvard question: Why am I not good enough?

Oh well, if Datamatch (or our advice) fails you, there’s always discounted chocolate from CVS.