After weeks of twiddling their thumbs and amusing themselves with passing and petty political happenings like the national midterm elections, Harvard students finally have the chance to engage something that matters: the Undergraduate Council presidential race.

When it comes to real change on campus, students look in awe to the omnipotent Council, which spent the past year heroically extorting a quarter million dollars in club funding from the University and sending out lots of emails with GIFs in them. (One of these things happened.)

Okay, so maybe the UC doesn’t always deliver. But what it lacks in substance it makes up for in scandal. We imagine Olivia Pope has too busy a schedule to help out these Cantabrigian clients, so we took it upon ourselves to break the drama down for you.

FBpot Dome

The race began with a bang—but also with what was a false start. Candidates Ava Nasrollahzadeh ’16  and Dhruv P. Goyal ’16 and Happy Yang ’16 and Faith A. Jackson ’16 jumped the gun when they rushed to Facebook to upload photos in the hopes their good jokes and better looks would charm voters into signing their candidacy petitions. Turns out they weren’t allowed to share their faces with the online world until a later date, when campaigning had officially commenced. After learning of their own mistake, Nasrollahzadeh and Goyal blew the whistle on Yang and Jackson for the same offense.

Maybe this display of governmental transparency stomped out the political fire before it spread—the UC Election Commission banned the candidates from campaigning for three days, but it doesn’t look like an trial of any sort is in the cards. Or maybe premature “likes” just don’t pack the same punch in the judiciary’s eyes as large cash gifts.

The Landrywinsky Affair

After this bang, one ticket exited the race with a whimper. Following a conversation with Goyal, candidates Michael J. Landry ’16 and Connor M. Harris ’16 abandoned their ambitions for office. Landry cited “Dhruv talking to us and not wanting us to screw up the vote” as a reason for dropping out, though Goyal has called the meeting “purely informational” and Landry and Harris have noted they consider Goyal a friend and do not see themselves as having been “forced out” of the election.

But just because a decision is consensual doesn’t mean it’s right. Is there an improper relationship here? We all know the right answer.

Watermarkgate

Much like Harvard basketball, UC election drama never stops. And so another day brought with it another scandal. Early Tuesday morning, sophomore ticket Luke R. Heine ’17 and Stephen A. Turban ’17 replaced bulletins in every House dining hall except Leverett and Kirkland with watermarked copies. Their dastardly plot beganSaturday when they snatched the original bulletins to scan and doctor. Heine and Turban will face a whopping $15 in fines. We know of no plans for their resignation.

Watch out, Harvard, because according to Election Commission Chair Matthew C. Estes ’18, these boys are “out of control.” And watch out again, because who knows what else besides watermarked advertisements of masters’ open houses Heine and Turban installed in our sacred meal spaces? Someone is always watching.