Having relationship issues? Wondering about your future as an investment banker? "PfAnon" brings you his/her dish of predictions through Pfohoroscopes, a weekly feature of the table tent newsletter at Pforzheimer House.

PfAnon—who, to our knowledge, is an undergraduate Pfoho resident of unknown gender—has been churning out gems like the following excerpt from this week's edition:

Gemini: You’ve developed a huge crush on that prize of PRISE. He’s seen you diligently working in the lab every day and night, honing your dissection and pipeting [sic] skills. However, don’t get caught in cell culture when he comes looking for a collaborator on a new project.

Anyway, we got to speak with the prophet the other day in an intimate Gchat interview. Check out some of the juicier portions:

Flyby: To start off, we know you can't disclose your name, but who are you? How would you describe yourself?

PfAnon: My dating profile says I enjoy long walks on the beach and have a crush on [Pforzheimer House Master] Nicholas Christakis.

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Flyby: Where do you get your prophetic powers?

PfAnon: Well I always thought my lightning bolt scar was just a birthmark...