It's Saturday night, and you're sleeping in your cold, lonely bed in Cabot. Then you hear someone panting outside your door at 4:30 a.m. "My first impression was that someone was having sex in front of my door and I thought it would stop," a Cabot student related on Cabot-open. The sex-like noises then turned into "vigorous knocking," so the student asked who it was.

"Please open the door," the person on the other side said. "It's not even about you, just open the door." But the Cabot student did not relent:

Not knowing what I was going to encounter at 4:30 am, I told him that I was going to call the police, to which he replied: "Oh, don't be such an asshole. Are you going to call the police for this? Please just open the door." Note that his words never included an apology for waking me up at 4:30 am.

The police did arrive in 15 minutes but dismissed the issue. The Cabot student, who in a later e-mail dubs himself the "Alfred and Melinda Prufrock Professor of Common Decency," concludes his e-mail by declaring:

[H]ad I had the phone number of the Reaper, I would have called the Reaper himself (instead of the police) asking him to take your life. I am proudly intolerant of the indecency you are responsible for.

Ummm...OK. The Cabot community's response, including a final intervention by Cabot House Master and Dean of Undergraduate Education Jay M. Harris, after the jump.

After one student relates how she had also heard knocking on different doors that was "really endless" between 4:30 and 5 a.m. and again at 7 a.m., the first Cabot student introduces himself again by listing three lessons for how to ask for help.

Here comes a great course offered by [name redacted], Alfred and Melinda Prufrock Professor of Common Decency at Harvard University: Common Decency 10 - How to Ask for Help (no 101's at Harvard, that is for inferior schools. Thanks to the genuine numbering system, Harvard is the best college in the country.)

Read very carefully, as I might test you on this material.

Cabot Student #3 replies:

[name redacted], you are a giant douchecock.

That is all.

The student who started the thread—er, the Alfred and Melinda Prufrock Professor of Common Decency—then challenges Student #3 to take his class:

I seriously recommend you to take CD 10. Yes, given your sample work, passing it would be a true challenge for you. No, being a lowly cock-sucker and participating in the section would not affect your grade.

Finally, Cabot resident #4, who started it all, valiantly 'fesses up:

It was me. I was fucked up. That was all. I was locked out and couldn't get in my room. If you couldn't tell from my incoherent speech then whatever.

Either way you're still a dick

You would have thought the thread would have ended there. But the Alfred and Melinda Prufrock Professor of Common Decency strikes back, demanding an apology:

Enough of this shit. I will not stand being insulted, let alone receiving no apology for what you did. I'll take it to whoever I can take it.

Student #4 takes on the challenge:

Go ahead...

You wanna go toe to toe I'm down for it

Another Cabot student gladly adds fuel to the flames:

CAGGGGGGGGE FIGHHHHHHHHHHT!

Finally, Cabot House Master Jay M. Harris—Dean of Undergraduate Education, Jewish Studies professor, General Education czar—feels obliged to step in, sending an e-mail to the list telling everyone that safety comes first and to quit acting like 14-year-olds. And then there is silence. A final Cabot student sums it up:

Pwned. Jay FTW.

Writer's Note: While the following exchange was circulated over the Cabot House open list, no identities are revealed in the post. When possible, those who sent e-mails were contacted prior to publication. If you are a Cabot resident or have other knowledge of the situation, please respect the anonymity of those involved in your comments.