PICK: Yale 36, Brown 6.

CORNELL AT DARTMOUTH

You’ve probably heard the story already. Midway through last weekend’s Harvard-Dartmouth game, the Crimson forced a fumble. Hundreds of feet away, in the press box at the top of the stadium, a Big Green coach shouted an obscenity and punched a hole in a glass window.

What was the grand strategy here? Was it a one-punch knockout, or did the coach try a few body shots before going for the finish? Why didn’t Dartmouth start this guy at linebacker? Let’s discard the obvious questions and focus on important ones. For example: What will happen next?

Fortunately, this weekend’s contest takes place in Hanover, where there’s nothing valuable to break. Still, Dartmouth will have a chance to shatter some proverbial windows when the team takes on Cornell.

Technically, the Big Red owns a 3-1 Ivy record and a clear path to the championship. I call malarkey. I have absolutely no clue how Cornell beat Princeton last week. What I do know is that Cornell won’t win this weekend. A blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and then—but not that often.

PICK: Dartmouth 33, Cornell 20

PRINCETON AT PENN

This semester, the most well-known class at Penn is called “Existential Despair.” I’m not kidding.

Last week, The Daily Pennsylvanian profiled the course, which meets on Tuesdays from 5 p.m. to midnight. As the article describes, “students cannot speak with one another, take notes, or access outside resources including cell phones or computers.” What a riot.

“Existential Despair” isn’t the most notable course that Professor Justin McDaniel has taught. That honor belongs to the so-called “monk class” last spring. In some ways, that course mirrored others at Penn—there were no exams or readings. Yet the monk class stood out for the unusual requirements. Men had to wear all white, while women had to wear all black. No one could eat when it was dark outside. If you broke a rule, you faced numerous punishments, including “repeatedly walking the crosswalks of the intersection at 34th and Walnut.”

Why mention this oddity in an article about football? Because I’m convinced that wide receiver Justin Watson took the class. If you’ve read my previous columns, you know all about Watson, who can memorize a dictionary with one glance and calm the ocean with the snap of his finger. Well, this Saturday, the football demigod faces a Herculean task.

Princeton quarterback Chad Kanoff has completed 75 percent of his passes for 19 touchdowns. The Quakers, meanwhile, concede 409 yards per game, second-worst in the Ivy League.

My gut tells me to pick the Tigers, but my mind tells me to pick Watson, because otherwise he’ll summon a plague of locusts. I guess I can buy bug spray.

PICK: Princeton 38, Penn 25