Pick: Harvard

PENN AT YALE

What was an interestingly close game a year ago got even saltier a couple of weeks ago, when The Daily Pennsylvanian’s gossip column ran a piece about the rebirth of the masked bandit who leaves his feces strewn around campus. It’s said that all public crimes draw amateurs as imitators, yet until now the Poopetrator hadn’t drawn a public following. How’s that for dirty laundry.

In true Philadelphia spirit, the Pheces Phanatic hasn’t dealt well with the press. Called out by a fellow student, this fiend made sure that his fellow Quaker opened the door the following morning to a surprise Al Pacino might affectionately call “his little friend”.

I’ll watch my step this weekend.

Pick: Yale

COLUMBIA AT DARTMOUTH

I’d be remiss not to take a moment to honor the Columbia men’s football team. While it may appear presumptuous, and yes—even a tad holier-than-thou—to heap praise on a 2-8 football team, I note that prior to this season, Columbia had not scored a point on Harvard during Barack Obama’s second term.

In the depths of their despair, students the local paper theorized fascist campus administrators had begun using the team to artificially depress campus morale. It’s hard to feel so bad, however, when Columbia parents are notoriously careful to hire nannies to comfort their children through the rigors of college. As they say: there’s no disappointment on the football field a bedtime story can’t fix.

Pick: Dartmouth

PRINCETON AT YALE

When Penn and Princeton ruled the Ivy League, the Killer P’s coming to town almost meant two schedule losses. Playing the league’s second-best team a night after playing its best drained teams and killed seasons; the back-to-back nature of the 14-Game Tournament only exacerbating the pain.

In a newly balanced conference, an interesting paradigm has emerged: each of the league’s four best teams travels with a lesser partner. How this will affect Saturday play, and whether we will see more upsets by lesser teams, is to be determined. However, on nights when the Ivy League can throw out two of its best matchups during prime time, fans can simply rejoice.

Pick: Yale

CORNELL AT DARTMOUTH