On to the games:

CORNELL AT YALE:

Stop the presses; Yale solved pot brownies.

No, seriously. The study’s lead author compared the desire of baked college students to eat inhuman amounts of Doritos to hitting the accelerator in your car instead of the brake. In this realm of ill-advised analogies, drunken public urination seems quite similar to giving your Valentine a turnip instead of a cupcake.

Pick: Yale

PRINCETON AT DARTMOUTH:

The league’s sneakiest rivalry rears its head again this weekend. The Big Green crushed the Tigers by 31 in football this year, following its 28-24 victory on the season’s final week last year that denied Princeton an outright title. On the football field, the teams play for arguably the coolest trophy in sports, the Sawhorse Dollar, and the overall series is tied 43-43-4.

The basketball hasn’t been droll—Dartmouth took out Princeton in Hanover last year and came five points from the feat in Jadwin the year before. Yet the two teams are looking at a long struggle to re-join the league’s upper echelon; on Friday, a (sawhorse) dollar might buy a ticket.

Pick: Princeton

COLUMBIA AT BROWN:

Dear reader, you know by now this column demands its writer scour the depths of Ivy League journalism, finding the bastions of irresponsibility and comedy that lie there. To quote a former teaching fellow of mine, it demands “fighting the balrogs so you don’t have to.”

It is with this proposition I present to you the Brown Daily Herald’s Drunk/Sober/High series. Exactly what it sounds like, the most recent review of Fifty Shades of Grey—for the uneducated, the book-turned-film is Twilight fan fiction with teenage Miley Cyrus try-hard erotic overtones—shows how low alcohol can take you.

The nadir? “Gmail is a highly underrated method of sexting.”

Oh Howard, I do worry about this generation.

Pick: Columbia