CORNELL AT DARTMOUTH

Check your AP U.S. History book, kids—there’s a reason that people call western New York the Burned-Over District.

Throughout the 1800s, dozens of religious revivals tore through the countryside, enflaming small towns and large farms. It was like the Fast and the Furious franchise except neither cars nor Dwayne Johnson existed.

Well sinners and Cornell fans beware! This Saturday the Third Great Awakening is upon us.

Instead of the lonely wilderness of western New York, this one will take root in the lonely wilderness of western New Hampshire, where Dartmouth looks to inflict its holy wrath upon the Big Red.

Nay, not even star running back Luke Hagy can save Cornell. On Saturday the Big Green will roll through the field like thunder, charged with vengeance after last weekend’s loss to Harvard.

No third-string linebacker will be spared! Surely the very few Big Red spectators will wail and gnash their teeth as quarterback Dalyn Williams fires righteous passes into the end zone.

Yes, the day of justice is near, and the Big Red rightfully cowers in its presence.

Then again it’s tough to say what’s worse, eternal damnation or a bus ride back to Ithaca.

Prediction: Dartmouth 45, Cornell 3

PRINCETON AT PENN

The Killer P’s! At noon! With third place on the line!

The headlines practically write themselves, but in case you need further convincing, consider this scheduling fact: on the second-to-last weekend, the Quakers play the Crimson, and the Tigers play the Big Green.

Either of these games could go down to the wire, which means that this year’s Princeton-Penn matchup is—drumroll please—a competition between semi-relevant teams who could become more relevant by beating the real contenders.

To be fair, I’m selling the Quakers short. Penn quarterback Alek Torgersen has lived up to his Nordic heritage, marauding through conference play for 10 touchdowns and no interceptions. Meanwhile the Tigers have conceded 38-plus points in three of their last four games.