Here’s how Brown’s website introduces the bio of second-year head coach and former Bears basketball player Mike Martin: “When Thomas Wolfe wrote, ‘you can never come home again,’ he didn’t have Mike Martin in mind.”

Now, I know the Brown faithful are all a-flutter over the job Martin has done in Providence, but I think they may have overdone it in the gravitas department here. You mean to tell me that Wolfe’s inspiration was something other than the life experiences of a middling college athlete 70 years in the future? I don’t buy it.

And now for an inexhaustive list of things Thomas Wolfe did not have in mind when authoring You Can’t Go Home Again: Superman, LeBron James, Edward Snowden, The Shah, Princess Leia.

Pick: DARTMOUTH

CORNELL AT PRINCETONThe last two non-Harvard Ivy League champions could be battling it out for last place this weekend. Unfortunately for Cornell, this one will be decided by a basketball contest and not a game of Candy Crush, the activity that has been occupying most of the Big Red’s practice time this season. Princeton wins in a rout.Pick: PRINCETON

PENN V. YALE

Some Columbia students filmed what is being termed as a “feminist porno” in a campus library last week. [ALL JOKES REDACTED; EVERY POSSIBLE GROUP IS OFFENDED]

So, yeah, expect Columbia in a wild, physical affair.

Pick: COLUMBIA

HARVARD V. YALE

There’s nothing the Crimson would love more than to give the Bulldogs the “dryer treatment” in Lavietes Pavilion on Saturday night. And while the Crimson should take care of business, Yale is no pushover; Harvard coach Tommy Amaker has maintained all season that the Bulldogs are “as talented as anyone in our league,” his own team included. The rangy trio of Javier Duren, Justin Sears, and Armani Cotton could give the Crimson some problems—but Harvard is simply too good, and its home-court advantage too unassailable (19 straight home wins), to drop a game here.

Pick: HARVARD