On the whole, Columbia’s epic failure as a program makes no sense whatsoever. In the 51 years since the Lions last won an Ivy football title, Dartmouth has won 16. Dartmouth! Do you understand how difficult it must be to convince talented athletes to spend four years in Hanover, New Hampshire? I spent four hours there last weekend and was just about ready to pull an Andy Dufrense and do whatever was necessary to get myself out.

In fact, I bet LeBron wishes he had originally played in Hanover, because nobody would have ever blamed him for leaving. Had Columbus landed there, he would have just turned back. If Hanover had seceded during the Civil War, the internet would've been invented in the 1860s just so people could make memes using Lincoln’s ensuing “I ain’t even mad” face. Had Jack Shephard lived in Hanover, Lost would’ve never existed, because he would have never tried to get off the island. The city is as unappealing as sexual protection is to Antonio Cromartie. Even Joe Biden would have refused to grow up there.

Are you getting all this? Do I need to get into the ritualized vomiting to make clear just how terrible a place Dartmouth is?

Therefore, you can’t tell me that rounding up the Big Green’s best recruits over all those years, blasting some Sinatra and saying “You can live in the greatest city in the world, or you can live in a state that can’t even beat out Iowa on the presidential calendar” wouldn’t have worked. By the way, you can use similar logic with regard to Ithaca, Princeton, and New Haven. Recruiting-wise, there is no conceivable reason why your program should have failed this badly for this long. Of course, it doesn’t help that your main campus is closer to New Jersey than it is to your football stadium, but that’s a whole other story.

Columbia, I could go on (and really, I could), but you presumably get the point—you can do better. For now, however, things are going about as well for you as Donald Trump’s presidential blackmail attempt went for him.

So, in conclusion, let me restate my core argument, in case I haven’t been 100 percent clear.

Man, are the Lions bad. They’re a bad football team. I’ve seen a few bad football teams, and they’re a bad one.

YALE AT BROWN

The Bulldogs just lost to all of the above, which tells you everything you need to know about them.

The Bears, like Yale, are more beat-up than the illusion of Tyler Durden, as their top five running backs are all injured. But having no running backs is still better than having running backs playing quarterback, right?

Pick: Brown 31, Yale 13

DARTMOUTH AT CORNELL

The Big Red pulled the upset over Princeton last weekend, reopening the Ivy race. The Jeff Mathews-Luke Tasker combination continues to be one of the best the Ancient Eight has seen as a very long time. Mathews is second in the country in passing yards per game (he had 525 last week), while Tasker is second in the nation in receiving yards per contest (he had 210 against the Tigers, while Grant “don’t forget about me” Gellatly—who ranks 13th nationally in yards per game—had 215).

Meanwhile, the Dartmouth defense did a respectable job containing the Crimson, but its offense struggled throughout most of the game and both Alex Park and Dominick Pierre aren’t fully healthy. I can’t see the Big Green going into Ithaca, where Cornell hasn’t lost this season, and outgunning the real Big Red machine.

Pick: Cornell 35, Dartmouth 20