But before the season had even begun, Reno’s captain, Will McHale, reportedly punched Yale Daily News sportswriter Marc Beck in the face during a fight at Toad’s and fled the scene. According to a witness, the attack came after McHale threw a drink at a friend of Beck’s. Beck was left with 14 stitches and Yale was left without a captain for the first time in its long history. As a sportswriter who generally prefers not to be punched in the face by temperamental linebackers, I’ll avoid making a McHale joke here. But based on his drink-throwing skills, it sounds like he would have been the best quarterback on the Bulldogs roster this season.

Instead, Reno chose to go with freshman Eric Williams, who’s neck-and-neck right now with Hurricane Sandy as the biggest natural disaster of the year. The rookie—seemingly as confused about what he was supposed to do at quarterback as David was after the dentist—is tied for first in the country with 2.0 interceptions per game, and his 1:2.3 TD:INT ratio is by far the worst in the nation.

Unfortunately, Reno didn’t have many other options to replace him, because preseason backup quarterback John Whitelaw quit the team after realizing that losing the starting job to Williams was like losing the 100 meter dash to a drunken, blind turtle.

Since then, the freshman has gotten hurt twice, as have his two backups, leaving the Bulldogs to turn to a three wide receiver set—two wideouts at wide receiver, and one under center. Despite some moderate success by Henry Furman last week, Yale of course lost, just as it has in seven of its nine games this season. The Bulldogs couldn’t even beat Columbia, which is akin to losing a game of Trivial Pursuit to Brick Tamland.

This Saturday, Yale travels to Harvard Stadium. They say in rivalry games that anything can happen, but sorry Forrest—sometimes in life you really do know what you’re going to get. And on Saturday, you’re going to get a Harvard win, and probably a Crimson blowout.

To put it simply, if you think the Bulldogs are going to win this game, you probably also think that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to happily grow old together, that the YouTube comments section is an intelligent source of commentary on anything, and that signing a long-term contact with the Florida Marlins is a good idea.

As Stefon from Weekend Update would say if Yale football was New York’s hottest club, “this club has everything—college football’s worst starting quarterback, historically bad play-calling, bloody sportswriters, decrepit bulldogs, H.C.V.-positive coaches, resufakes, quarterwide receiverbacks, a city that’s the love child of a dumpster and a trash can, a Jumbled Folsom Prison Blues...”

Seth Meyers would interrupt, “What’s a Jumbled Folsom Prison Blues?”

And Stefon would say, “it’s that thing where, instead of shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die, Tim Murphy beats a man named Reno just to watch him cry.”

Because that’s what will happen tomorrow. And finally, when the Jumbled Folsom Prison Blues occurs, Yale will have at long last hit rock bottom.

COLUMBIA AT BROWN

There are 100 quarterbacks in the FCS who qualify for the league’s passer rating title. Columbia’s Sean Brackett ranks dead last. A word of advice to all coaches out there: in the future, when your quarterback is having a worse statistical season than Eric Williams (who’s 95th in that category), he probably shouldn’t be playing enough minutes to qualify for any statistical titles. I bet even Tom Williams knows that.

Pick: Brown 24, Columbia 13

PENN AT CORNELL

Like non-Jewish fans of Harvard Hillel, Cornell is coming off a major letdown this week after it was stunningly upset by the Lions. The Big Red was picked third in the Ivy preseason poll, but it has just two conference wins.