Breaking News: This Just In! Straight men in 2023 are no longer satisfied with the simple comfort of being surrounded by “the boys.” They yearn for the presence of a female partner but lack the emotional availability to maintain a long, healthy relationship — i.e. the ability to be kind for longer than three weeks.

But rejoice, my fellow wounded doves of love: The long-awaited canon event of male self-actualization may finally be upon us.

Coined initially as the “sassy man apocalypse,” this seemingly global wave of male self-actualization has been anticipated and longed for by feminists for generations. With the exception of Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe, and Hozier, men have never widely experienced the divinity of vulnerability in romantic relationships. Whether through means of exploitation, barter, and trade, or the traditional value of the nuclear family, most societies through recorded history have cemented through words and actions the notion that women must be subservient to men. But that has all seemingly come to a stop.

With the rise of the emboldened woman and the popularity of phrases like “I am Kenough,” men have been encouraged to recognize their emotions and have finally — by the looks of it — realized that their existence on this earth extends more than just the prowess of their physical capabilities. For instance, the growing prevalence of female household breadwinners has undermined the traditional pressure on men to be the provider and protector of their homes. Instead of putting their feelings aside and “being a man” in order to provide for their families, more men are finding time to process and understand the feelings that their fathers and forefathers cast to the wayside. The end result is what we see today: a “Sassy Mandemic.”

The feelings garnered by uncovering what women have realized since the tender age of 12 have come to define the average experiences of a young man in his late teens and early 20s. Videos showcasing this phenomenon have even gone as far as quoting common realizations that women understand very early on in life: “What if I am not better than everyone else and I really am just some guy?” Men are beginning to understand their cosmic insignificance — or in layman’s terms, that they’re not “him.”

But despite the humor inherent in the self-inflicted implosion of a hyper-masculine society, this is no laughing matter: The sad reality is that men have always been lonely, even if this truth is only beginning to be recognized by broader society.

Historically, masculinity has often been linked to stoicism and emotional suppression, discouraging men from expressing vulnerabilities. By dismantling past generational burdens through recognizing and vocalizing their own feelings of isolation, men are bringing to light a reality that has long been detrimental to both sexes: Under the patriarchy, everyone is lonely.

It is now time that men face the music that fell upon deaf ears for the past millennia. Women are just as every bit worth respecting as “the boys” you know and cherish. We as women are not owed to you, and our time and love demand respect and boundaries. We now live in a society where fostering a family is not required, and the approval of a man is no longer the primary goal of a woman’s life. We as women were not sent here to coddle your wounded egos. As men come to rear the consequences of the very society they built to dominate those deemed inferior, the revelation that many of them feel like mere cogs in a machine has finally made its way into commonplace conversation.

With a society so predicated on the idea of leadership and strength, it makes sense that the center of power can only be occupied by a sole positioner, or at most a small circle. And as many men grapple with their randomness in this built society, hence follows the predictable existential crisis.

But fear not, young men of society! All we as women ask is that you treat us as equal and as people worthy of respect the same as men. After reviewing that last line actually, I might’ve asked for too much, because I know how new all this is to y’all.

But for a more streamlined answer to your question of “when will she pick me,” I say three words: “Pride and Prejudice.”

Kelisha M. Williams ’25, a Crimson Editorial editor, is a Psychology concentrator in Kirkland House.