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The day I pass up the opportunity to hand out unwarranted opinions about my niche (and only slightly weird) taste in music in listicle format is the day The Crimson Arts Board gets a full budget — I mean, welcome to WatchMojo! My name is Alisa, and welcome to our top 10 party songs you will never hear at any party Dj’ed by me. So sit back, take notes, and you’ll never have to worry about your aux being mistaken for a MIT frat bro’s.
10. “Everytime We Touch” — Cascada
Do I know all of the words to this song? Unfortunately, yes. Do I need to be caught lacking singing them out loud? Absolutely not. The bubbly pop is over the top, and I am not here for it unless Pink Whitney is being served.
9. “WAP” — Cardi B ft. Meghan Thee Stallion
As a certified Meghan Thee Stallion anti-fan, I can confidently say that this is the song that ruined all acronyms for me. The TikTok dance is one thing, but do you really need to hear my back cracking as I attempt my first split in 10 years? Didn’t think so.
8. “Party in the U.S.A” — Miley Cyrus
If you hear the acoustic guitar strings pluck in an E Major seventh fret, you better run. Because if there’s one thing Miley does well, it’s wrecking ball-ing every party this song plays at.
7. “Shake It Off” — Taylor Swift
Any song by Taylor Swift to be honest. I get it, I get it, she has a long list of ex-lovers she needs to get through before her career is over. Not my problem. Not my party’s problem.
6. “Timber” — Pitbull ft. Ke$ha
Okay, besides the overdone personification, what is so fascinating about someone KO-ing in the middle of the dance floor? 2012 is over, guys, so no more plank references please.
5. “I Gotta Feeling” — Black Eyed Peas
I gotta feeling that tonight is the night we say goodbye to music that sounds like it came straight out of my uncle’s 4x4.
4. “Fergalicious” — Fergie
Speaking of Fergie, didn’t we all collectively agree to never listen to her singing ever again after the NBA national anthem debacle? C’mon, Chris Rock laughing at her has gotta be a slap in the face. Too soon?
3. “Levitating” — Dua Lipa
This song had its moment. She won her Grammy. Please let it be on its “Way Out” now. Dua Lipa’s dating Jack Harlow, for god’s sake!
2. “Pepas” — Farruko
PSA TO ALL CLUB OWNERS IN THE GREATER BOSTON AREA AND BEYOND: It’s been 19 months. Please stop waving your bar towels and singing about popping pills.
1. “Despacito” — Luis Fonsi ft. Justin Bieber
*Cue Abby Lee Miller* And on top of the pyramid, going three for three, once again: Justin Bieber. Whoever thought that putting the Canadian guy who sang “I get my peaches out in Georgia” on a track with Luis Fonsi to sing in Spanish is probably the craziest (and the richest) dude there ever was. Play it at your local grocery store, at your next quinceanera, even play it at your wedding as the bride walks down the aisle for all I care — just please, please stop playing it at parties.
—Outgoing Music Executive and incoming Arts Chair Alisa S. Regassa can be reached at alisa.regassa@thecrimson.com. Follow her on Twitter at @alisaregassa
