Coming off an undefeated season that saw Princeton take Notre Dame to the wire at the tournament, let us say it has been an absolute pleasure to watch the Tigers fall harder than Harvard’s endowment over the past few years.

The Daily Princetonian has devolved in its coverage of the team—instead opting to cover incoming recruit Jaelin Llewellyn, rated the 96th best player in his class by ESPN.

If you’re reading this Jaelin, please listen closely and keep in mind that it’s still very possible to decommit.

Princeton sucks.

First of all, you’ll probably be playing behind ball-hog-in-chief Devin Cannady. It’ll be like playing with Kobe, except you don’t win. Also you can’t pump your own gas in New Jersey and the only redeeming quality of Princeton is a sandwich shop called Hoagie Haven. That’s pretty much it.

On the other side of this matchup, Brown has dropped four in a row.

Pick: Princeton

Penn at Yale

In theory we make our picks based off the relative skill of these teams but sometimes you have to go with your heart.

Truth be told, here in Cambridge people don’t actually hate Yale that much. If anything, we feel kind of sympathetic to the poor souls out in New Haven. Just think about it—Yale’s mascot is an inbred puppy and according to the Yale Daily News, just last week a Yale student was fined for jaywalking. For a period of time the most popular class in New Haven was exported from Harvard. Coming off a historic win in the tournament two years back, the Bulldogs have dropped quicker than Bill Clinton’s trousers on a given day in the Oval Office. This is the sad reality of Yale.

For its part, though, Penn graduated our Dorito-in-Chief. No sympathy here.

Pick: Yale

Cornell at Harvard

The following is the most recent headline to come out of Cornell.

“Ithaca Man Arrested for Pizza Delivery Robbery After Barricading Himself in Possible Meth Lab, Police Say.”