Lucy Wang's vanity picture.

I love window shopping. December gives me an excuse to splurge on this otherwise useless activity under the pretense that I’m looking for gifts for the important people in my life. For those of you who would rather indulge in other activities, or, more practically, sleep/cram for finals in Lamont: You’ll probably find some use in a gift guide that allows you to spend less time wandering aimlessly around either multi-story warehouses full of unnecessary gadgets, or crammed rooms filled with cutesy, bank-breaking, “vintage” items. Note: This gift guide is not organized into “for her” and “for him” sections — because it’s 2018 and gender is fluid, kids.

The Roomies

• Laundry detergent or pods: This is not only useful and considerate, it also means your roommates will no longer need to “borrow” your detergent all the time. Same concept applies for toothpaste, shower gel, you get the point.

• Candles: Are they really for your roommates, or are they for you? Get them in your favorite scent and don’t worry about answering the question. If you don’t want to get in trouble with Harvard’s residential administrators, buy some fake electric candles — it’s the thought that counts.

• Deodorant. *hint hint hint*

The Empty Nesters (aka The Parents)

• Report Card: With all the $$$ poured into tuition, not to mention all the blood and work your parents put into raising you, the least you can do is return some decent grades for the holidays. The Harvard diploma will be the ultimate gift, but, until then, bank on Harvard’s rampant grade inflation to make your parents happy.

• A Job: And by that, I don’t mean get them a job. Get yourself a job.

The Bird Nesters (What are bird nesters? People with bad hair)

• Quality Conditioner: Back in my years of teenage angst, I once gifted an adult I deeply disliked a bottle of “Intense Moisturizing Treatment” conditioner, a not-so-subtle attack on the quality of this person’s hair… yeah, not my proudest moment.

The Ex

• Lost Items: The nicest thing you can do for your ex-love is to return their hoodies, shirts, and lost items — burning them or throwing them in the Charles River. Not like I’ve done either of those things.

The Ghosted

• A text: Do you remember that “really nice” person you went on one date with, and “really liked,” but you know, you “really just weren’t sure you were actually looking for anything serious,” so you never texted them back? Shoot them a “happy holidays” message. It’s cuffing season, folks.

So there you have it. By the decrease in quality as you go down the list, you can probably tell that I’ve lost interest in this gift guide. Let me peacefully retreat back in my corner of breaking news, investigative stories, and comper-feared features, please.

—Lucy Wang is the outgoing Campus Exec and incoming Editor-At-Large. If you have, will, or ever even considered comping Arts, please do not ask her about features. She will be triggered. Oh, and follow her on Twitter @lucyyloo22.