When I comped Crimson Arts my freshman fall, I got a glimpse of casual college beer at the first comp seminar I attended: Pabst Blue Ribbon. The near emblem of the Arts board, it was the holy grail I thought I’d savor throughout my tenure as a writer and editor. Chugging is so fun, the upperclassmen said. God’s piss, the Germans call it. Lies. PBR is objectively just actual piss. When I went to Germany this past Thanksgiving, I experienced the beer I never thought I could. As the outgoing Comp Director, I’d like to spare the future of Crimson Arts the treachery that I myself suffered. It’s true, drinking PBR has been a tradition that the “fringe” boards of the Crimson—shoutout to Sports—have enjoyed for years, but as Lemony Snicket once said, “Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course.” Herein, I propose five beer alternatives to PBR. Prost!

5. Pilsner

The Pilsner beer, like the incoming Arts executives, has not been around as long as its predecessors, but it’s here to stay. The most popular brew in the world, the Pilsner is often served with the spiciest of foods to soothe the hottest of burns—and, as such, would be very well served to the Arts board, especially considering how the Crimson is at risk from the fire that is Crimson Arts.

4. Ayinger

The most fruity of the bunch, the Ayinger is intoxicating in its tanginess. Drink it slowly to savor it, for some say its potency can be debilitating. Ayinger brings out dark truths from its victims. See, for example, Aziz B. Yakub’s opinions on literally anything, formed only after drinking a couple pints of Ayinger. As my fellow ayingerites would say, aaaaaayee!

3. Spaten

You may have just missed Oktoberfest in Munich, but fear not, because certain brews of this beer are available year-round, as is Arts. Be careful not indulge too much, though! After all, as the saying goes, too much of a good thing can be bad… Or was it wonderful? Regardless, best to enjoy Spaten beers sparingly, just like the rest of the world enjoys Crimson Arts (I mean, 4% of readership, guys? Really?)

2. Augustiner

One of, if not the, best beers in the world, the Augustiner is just the right blend of bitterness and zest—just like our board! Do we willingly accept our “fringe” board status? I suppose. Do we have an unhealthily enthusiastic relationship with Shrek? Perhaps. Never forget: you can’t spell Augustiner without Arts.

1. Kinderbier

Come on, now. Did you really think I would endorse the consumption of alcohol by the young’uns of the Harvard Crimson? That’s illegal! Kinderbier—alcohol-free children’s beer—is clearly the only possible option. With Kinderbier, let us prepare our youth for the harsh world they will invariably face: a world in which they will likely be drinking the worst beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon.

—Staff writer Mila Gauvin II is the outgoing Books Executive and Comp Director, and incoming Arts Chair, though based off of this nonsense, her credibility is seriously in question. She clearly cannot objectively be objective, so ignore this unwarranted spiel. Please instead reach out to her much more trustworthy co-Chair, Grace Z. Li, at grace.li@thecrimson.com.